CZYPHR | She who dares, wins!: Literature 2017

Showing posts with label Literature 2017. Show all posts

It’s been a long time since I was made a post like this.. I don’t even remember trying to post like this, like actually trying to put my thoughts on paper. I don’t even see myself as someone who can organize my thoughts.

It’s over. I broke it off. The sad thing is I don’t even know why. So I guess that’s a fuckup on my part. Getting carried away by my emotions. I don’t even know what we fought about, or why. It doesn’t seem like a big deal anymore. But I guess things are like that. Things have to end. Even if you’ve given your absolute best.

I guess I have to start learning how to be alone again. Literally, irrevocably alone. Just like the old times. All I need to think about is myself and no one else. That should be good. This time I can focus on myself. Too bad I’m starting to feel like this is a bad idea and that this is the start of something that feels very familiar.

Like that point in my life that I had to be taken into a hospital because of my pride and stupidity. I guess the what I have to make sure of this time is that I make damn well sure I head for another part of the hospital.

*sigh* I’s love to say “| wonder” but I really don’t. I know why, and I know how. It’s because of stupid, stupid pride that I’ve lost the people I love. Stupid, stupid pride that makes me build walls upon walls upon walls. But I guess that’s how I am, and it’s really hard to change that. I thought I found someone who can at least understand and work through it, but I guess not. So that leads me here. And it leads to the end.

So farewell dreams of forever. I knew from the start you didn’t exist.

Stupid, stupid pride | Literature 2017

by Janessa Pablo | Multihyphenate on August 31, 2017

It’s been a long time since I was made a post like this.. I don’t even remember trying to post like this, like actually trying to put my tho...

You gave me so much memories. Memories I don't want to forget, but I don't want to remember either..

It's strange, that just when I thought I have forgotten about you, I just had to pass by that place. Your place. I just had to get a whiff of that scent. Your scent. 102.

Quite honestly, I froze, as if the world stopped. Every. Single. Memory. rushed back with no warning.

How we met, how we kissed, how you held me in your arms.

Our late night adventures, spontaneous trips and endless conversations.

Getting high and getting drunk.. in love?

No, never.

It was never love for us. It was the unknown that gave us our bond. My lips were never your drug. It was the taste of someone else, knowing that I was with someone else that turned you on and made you crave and desire me. It was, wasn't it? It was because I made myself available to you anytime and everytime you needed me. I was always there for you in the way I was never available to her. It was my inexperience that drew you in. You knew I was innocent, and you preyed on it. You corrupted me in the best way possible.

You taught me the how to disregard my plans, how to throw caution to the wind. You taught me how to trust in faith and to trust that everything will work out. You taught me to stop expecting anything, because you always did what I least expected. Why? You told me to believe in everything you said and promised, because you'll always do it. You did. Once, maybe twice. You promised that you'll always be there for me. You were, once upon a time. Then you weren't. I expected you to stay, but you didn't. I expected you to be there, but you never came. I expected you say it, but you never did. I expected everything from you, and you were nothing.

I'll blame it on the rose tinted glasses that you gave me, that fogged with the steam of your cooking.

I know my vision's bad, but my glasses were crystal clear. It slowly fogged with the hot plates of food you made for me. With my sighs everytime your lips met. With our heated exchanges everytime we fought. You colored it with red markers to disguise the blazing red flags my friends were waving at me. My vision was no longer bad, I got blinded, and holding on to you was the only direction I had. You lead me, lead me on towards the cliff. You whispered into my ear, saying that you'll catch me.. you'll always be there for me.. but you weren't. I fell. Hard.

I reached the bottom, broken and bloody, with your twisted fairytale to keep me company. I was so shattered.. I forgot myself. I tried building myself into the shape of you, only to fall apart again.

It was so fucking hard and you came.. to watch me.

I wanted you. I wanted to be yours. I wanted to claim you. I wanted you so much that I thought I needed you. I couldn't see anything or anyone else but you..

But you were already gone.

You left with sufficient explanations.. explanations I gave myself. Words that came back eating me alive. Words I wish I never said, because those very same words built my chains I was never able to break.

I spent agonizing days trying to reach you, be with you.. until one day I woke up with clear glasses.. the tint and fog washed away by tears. I stopped running after you, and started rebuilding myself piece by piece into who I really am. I started to see all the blood red flags surrounding you.

I deleted all traces of you, I threw away every single broken piece that resembled you and what we had. I washed all memories of you from the places we used to go.

I felt brand new, and I felt like I was able to move on..

Until that day, that place, that scent..

Fuck you, 102.

102 | Literature 2017

by Janessa Pablo | Multihyphenate on August 12, 2017

You gave me so much memories. Memories I don't want to forget, but I don't want to remember either.. It's strange, that just w...

Down below people walk the streets
Down below everything seems surreal
Down below it's like a fantasy
Life goes on with or without me

I face the heavens with one tiny prayer
Please guide me away from the edge of the brazier
Take my hand and lead me Lord
I'm not so sure of this letter

I close my eyes and feel the wind rushing by
Like thousands of murmurs and whispers
Welcoming me, seducing me
To be one with the pavement down below

Down Below | Literature 2017

by Janessa Pablo | Multihyphenate on August 11, 2017

Down below people walk the streets Down below everything seems surreal Down below it's like a fantasy Life goes on with or without me...

“Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you, the beautiful Lilianne Ezperanza!”

Breathe in, breathe out. After seven long years of hiding, this is my big reveal.

Seven long years of repairing, recovering my lost self. Seven years of rebuilding, reshaping my life. It’s amazing really, how five months ruined me, everything I believed in, and everyone I cared for. Five months that had to be reversed by seven years.

I walked out, with my carefully perfected catwalk. I was greeted by flashing lights, by applause. I smiled, nodded at the familiar faces. I was presented with a bouquet of flowers, and smiled my perfect smile, my smile reaching my eyes for the first time in a long time. I looked around, and recognized the movement.

My smile wavered for a bit, but my steely composure will never shatter now. Sure, I remember everything, every word, every action, every single second. But I’m happy to say that I’m over everything now. Honestly, I realize with relief.

I smiled brighter, even laughing with joy.. Real joy this time. With a final wave to my adoring audience, I turn, and go back to the dressing rooms to prepare for the interviews. I glanced back once, and met his eyes.

Those clear brown eyes I know all too well. I’ve seen anger, lust, love, sadness, and insanity in those eyes. I’ve stared into those eyes pleading for salvation, for an end to everything, but I never got any. I remembered the early moments that led me to believe I was in love with someone who finally cared. Someone who actually took the time to understand me, to know me, to memorize every single detail of me.

Those eyes showed me that I can be free, that I can be happy and the world didn’t end. He was my savior from all the creatures under my bed, the monsters inside my head. The one who can make the skeletons in the closet vanish. I can stare into those eyes and say what I want, when I want without any reservations and without fear of being judged.

Sadly, those same eyes were the eyes I stared into while the one who owns them.. I shook myself from the recollections. I promised myself that I would never think of these messages ever again. Not today, not ever. This is all in the past now. I’m over everything that has happened. I have forgiven, I have not forgotten, but I will no longer remember.

I break the eye contact, close my eyes and breathe in, and breathe out. I will be okay. I am okay.

I have moved on.

Inspired by: Unlove You - KZ Tandingan

Free | Literature 2017

by Janessa Pablo | Multihyphenate on August 10, 2017

“Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you, the beautiful Lilianne Ezperanza!” Breathe in, breathe out. After seven long years of hiding, thi...

There's a woman

I love so deep

Dressed to the nines

She always will be

No makeup, no filter

She woke up like that

Flawless

My Nanay Nini

She taught me academics

How to walk, how to speak

Manners and etiquette

Life lessons, everything

We fight, we argue

We go for weeks not speaking

Same pride, same blood

Same love.. Forgive me

I experiment, she discovers

She reprimands, I don't listen

I ignore, then I realize

Nanay knows best indeed

- N

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Hello, I'm Nessa, I'm 21 and I film myself doing everyday things and upload them on the internet! I'm your resident Bulakenya in Manila and I'm ready to discover the world through clueless adulting.