Showing posts with label Literature 2017. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Literature 2017. Show all posts
It’s been a long time since I was made a post like this.. I don’t even remember trying to post like this, like actually trying to put my thoughts on paper. I don’t even see myself as someone who can organize my thoughts.

It’s over. I broke it off. The sad thing is I don’t even know why. So I guess that’s a fuckup on my part. Getting carried away by my emotions. I don’t even know what we fought about, or why. It doesn’t seem like a big deal anymore. But I guess things are like that. Things have to end. Even if you’ve given your absolute best.

I guess I have to start learning how to be alone again. Literally, irrevocably alone. Just like the old times. All I need to think about is myself and no one else. That should be good. This time I can focus on myself. Too bad I’m starting to feel like this is a bad idea and that this is the start of something that feels very familiar.

Like that point in my life that I had to be taken into a hospital because of my pride and stupidity. I guess the what I have to make sure of this time is that I make damn well sure I head for another part of the hospital.

*sigh* I’s love to say “| wonder” but I really don’t. I know why, and I know how. It’s because of stupid, stupid pride that I’ve lost the people I love. Stupid, stupid pride that makes me build walls upon walls upon walls. But I guess that’s how I am, and it’s really hard to change that. I thought I found someone who can at least understand and work through it, but I guess not. So that leads me here. And it leads to the end.

So farewell dreams of forever. I knew from the start you didn’t exist.
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You gave me so much memories. Memories I don't want to forget, but I don't want to remember either..

It's strange, that just when I thought I have forgotten about you, I just had to pass by that place. Your place. I just had to get a whiff of that scent. Your scent. 102.

Quite honestly, I froze, as if the world stopped. Every. Single. Memory. rushed back with no warning.

How we met, how we kissed, how you held me in your arms.

Our late night adventures, spontaneous trips and endless conversations.

Getting high and getting drunk.. in love?

No, never.

It was never love for us. It was the unknown that gave us our bond. My lips were never your drug. It was the taste of someone else, knowing that I was with someone else that turned you on and made you crave and desire me. It was, wasn't it? It was because I made myself available to you anytime and everytime you needed me. I was always there for you in the way I was never available to her. It was my inexperience that drew you in. You knew I was innocent, and you preyed on it. You corrupted me in the best way possible.

You taught me the how to disregard my plans, how to throw caution to the wind. You taught me how to trust in faith and to trust that everything will work out. You taught me to stop expecting anything, because you always did what I least expected. Why? You told me to believe in everything you said and promised, because you'll always do it. You did. Once, maybe twice. You promised that you'll always be there for me. You were, once upon a time. Then you weren't. I expected you to stay, but you didn't. I expected you to be there, but you never came. I expected you say it, but you never did. I expected everything from you, and you were nothing.

I'll blame it on the rose tinted glasses that you gave me, that fogged with the steam of your cooking.

I know my vision's bad, but my glasses were crystal clear. It slowly fogged with the hot plates of food you made for me. With my sighs everytime your lips met. With our heated exchanges everytime we fought. You colored it with red markers to disguise the blazing red flags my friends were waving at me. My vision was no longer bad, I got blinded, and holding on to you was the only direction I had. You lead me, lead me on towards the cliff. You whispered into my ear, saying that you'll catch me.. you'll always be there for me.. but you weren't. I fell. Hard.

I reached the bottom, broken and bloody, with your twisted fairytale to keep me company. I was so shattered.. I forgot myself. I tried building myself into the shape of you, only to fall apart again.

It was so fucking hard and you came.. to watch me.

I wanted you. I wanted to be yours. I wanted to claim you. I wanted you so much that I thought I needed you. I couldn't see anything or anyone else but you..

But you were already gone.

You left with sufficient explanations.. explanations I gave myself. Words that came back eating me alive. Words I wish I never said, because those very same words built my chains I was never able to break.

I spent agonizing days trying to reach you, be with you.. until one day I woke up with clear glasses.. the tint and fog washed away by tears. I stopped running after you, and started rebuilding myself piece by piece into who I really am. I started to see all the blood red flags surrounding you.

I deleted all traces of you, I threw away every single broken piece that resembled you and what we had. I washed all memories of you from the places we used to go.

I felt brand new, and I felt like I was able to move on..

Until that day, that place, that scent..

Fuck you, 102.
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Down below people walk the streets
Down below everything seems surreal
Down below it's like a fantasy
Life goes on with or without me

I face the heavens with one tiny prayer
Please guide me away from the edge of the brazier
Take my hand and lead me Lord
I'm not so sure of this letter

I close my eyes and feel the wind rushing by
Like thousands of murmurs and whispers
Welcoming me, seducing me
To be one with the pavement down below
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“Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you, the beautiful Lilianne Ezperanza!”

Breathe in, breathe out. After seven long years of hiding, this is my big reveal.

Seven long years of repairing, recovering my lost self. Seven years of rebuilding, reshaping my life. It’s amazing really, how five months ruined me, everything I believed in, and everyone I cared for. Five months that had to be reversed by seven years.

I walked out, with my carefully perfected catwalk. I was greeted by flashing lights, by applause. I smiled, nodded at the familiar faces. I was presented with a bouquet of flowers, and smiled my perfect smile, my smile reaching my eyes for the first time in a long time. I looked around, and recognized the movement.

My smile wavered for a bit, but my steely composure will never shatter now. Sure, I remember everything, every word, every action, every single second. But I’m happy to say that I’m over everything now. Honestly, I realize with relief.

I smiled brighter, even laughing with joy.. Real joy this time. With a final wave to my adoring audience, I turn, and go back to the dressing rooms to prepare for the interviews. I glanced back once, and met his eyes.

Those clear brown eyes I know all too well. I’ve seen anger, lust, love, sadness, and insanity in those eyes. I’ve stared into those eyes pleading for salvation, for an end to everything, but I never got any. I remembered the early moments that led me to believe I was in love with someone who finally cared. Someone who actually took the time to understand me, to know me, to memorize every single detail of me.

Those eyes showed me that I can be free, that I can be happy and the world didn’t end. He was my savior from all the creatures under my bed, the monsters inside my head. The one who can make the skeletons in the closet vanish. I can stare into those eyes and say what I want, when I want without any reservations and without fear of being judged.

Sadly, those same eyes were the eyes I stared into while the one who owns them.. I shook myself from the recollections. I promised myself that I would never think of these messages ever again. Not today, not ever. This is all in the past now. I’m over everything that has happened. I have forgiven, I have not forgotten, but I will no longer remember.

I break the eye contact, close my eyes and breathe in, and breathe out. I will be okay. I am okay.

I have moved on.

Inspired by: Unlove You - KZ Tandingan
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There's a woman 
I love so deep
Dressed to the nines
She always will be

No makeup, no filter 
She woke up like that
Flawless
My Nanay Nini

She taught me academics 
How to walk, how to speak
Manners and etiquette
Life lessons, everything

We fight, we argue
We go for weeks not speaking
Same pride, same blood
Same love.. Forgive me

I experiment, she discovers 
She reprimands, I don't listen
I ignore, then I realize 
Nanay knows best indeed 

- N

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Hello, I'm Nessa, I'm 21 and I film myself doing everyday things and upload them on the internet! I'm your resident Bulakenya in Manila and I'm ready to discover the world through clueless adulting.
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Take a deep breath.

In.. Out..

You can do this.

Right from the start you knew things won't end well, yet you pursued it. You knew this will be nothing but trouble and heart ache, but that didn't stop you.

You closed your eyes, and took a step, then a second, and another.. into whatever this may bring.

It brought you adrenaline, smiles, adventure. It brought something different, something new.

It also brought you sleepless nights, moments of doubt and wondering why you let yourself be an option.

That hit a nerve didn't it? That's fine. Everything is going to be alright.

Just like the first time, close your eyes, take one step, a second one and another.. This time, walk away, far away and never look back.
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Before you met her, she already had a life of her own. That's what attracted you to her in the first place. That she was fierce and independent and amazingly, so amazingly stubborn. That she never backed down from any challenge or let someone else intimidate her. You loved her confident stride and how her head was always held up high. How there was always a bounce in her step, a smile on her lips and determination in her eyes.

She's fire, she's the sea. Her bubbly personality can change to a savage one should someone she cares about gets hurt. She can be a sinner or a saint. A princess and a warrior. She was the girl of your dreams and nightmares.

And so you pursued her. Cherished her and treated her far better than any other. Made her feel special, got to know her on a more personal level. Called and texted her every minute of every day. You met her parents, the two most important people in her entire world. You met her bestfriends, spent every possible free time with her and cared for her like no one could. You earned her trust, her affection, her love. She said yes.

It started with small things. Things you asked her to change and she complied. She thought it was cute and that it was manageable. She adjusted for you, and you for her. It was perfect. There were times when you argued and fought, yes, but after some down time and kisses, you were good as new.

What changed?

From little things, it went on to how she dressed, where she went, who she's with and even what she said. She obeyed as much as she could to keep the peace, but some days she just can't. Little by little you chipped off pieces of her true self and tried to fit her in your cookie cutter mold. Each tiny cut bled, and with her blood, out flowed a bit of her love. Her trust. Her affection.

She tried to heal herself, made herself into what you've always dreamed of and tried to fight for both of you. She tried to recover what she lost and willed herself to stay and persevere and hold on. She bound her old self and secured it with every ounce of conviction she has. She wanted to appease you, whatever gods you're trying to sacrifice her true self to.

However, the more she bound herself to you, the more she fights herself. It's a never ending battle, one she doesn't want to admit defeat because doing so would mean losing you. You're all that she has and you're all that she loves and only time will tell if she'll ever learn how to love without you. She's scared of what the future will bring and what will happen if she takes another blow.

Do you understand?

It's been two years and although friendship is your foundation and love is your shield, it isn't enough. There's also compromise and communication and understanding and freedom and a lot more other factors to keep you going. Right from the start you knew she's not one to back down, or break down or submit to others. For you she did. She's not one to change, or adjust or sacrifice. For your relationship, she did. She's not one for tears, or apologies. To keep the peace, she did.

I'm not saying it's a one-way street, that you did nothing. I only want you to realize that pushing her too much to the edge might make her decide to close her eyes and just jump to her death. Your relationship's death. She's fighting for both of you, trying to make you understand her side and making you see reason. She's trying to hold on and keep her faith and believe in you that you'll come around. Take her hand and pull her up.

Put your arms around her and remember all your promises that you'll be there for her and support and be her number one fan. Remember that this girl, your woman, doesn't need a bodyguard. She needs a companion. She needs a coach, a cheerleader, a motivator. She needs someone who'll hold her hands, tell her that she can and encourage to become her best self. She's a warrior in her own right, and she can stand on her own two feet.

You know that right?

That's why you fell in love with her in the first place. Because she's different and she's  unique and one of a kind. Because she's an outcast, but she wears that badge with pride. Because she's never a princess, waiting for others to do the job for her. She's a motherfucking queen who gets shit done and gets her hands dirty if it means being able to resolve the problem. Because she's the first one to say yes and lend a hand and show others that there's another way out. She's a trendsetter, a trailblazer, a whistle blower.

She's your queen. She's your woman. She's your other half. She's your mirror. She's best friend and worst enemy. She's your toughest competitor. She's yours, and will only stay yours if open your eyes.
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