Showing posts with label Literature 2016. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Literature 2016. Show all posts
Coz I'm sleepy this seems like the perfect time to talk about what I don't usually talk about.

See, I can be myself here. i can post whatever I want without anyone judging me. Or maybe I just don't really care. IDK really.

I'm all over the place.

Is it obvious?

I think so.

I have so many thoughts running through my mind that I can't seem to take one and focus on it. So many ideas.

And yet.

Here I am without anything on my hands.

I'm just so fucking confused I guess.

Why am I confused, I don't know. Or maybe I do, I just don't want to accept it.

I have some two hours left to gather my thoughts and appear happy to everyone again.

I think this is just a sugar crash talking. Feeling low all of sudden.. That's not my way anymore right? I'm over that.

Or am I?

Fuck this.

I'm going nowhere.

Adios for now.
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Don't fall in love me, that's the only warning I'll give you.

Don't fall in love with me, no matter how much you're tempted.

No matter how much you want to.

I beg of you, don't fall in love with me.

Previously I warn myself not to fall for you, but I've realized there's no danger that I will, because I can't. Because I'm already  in love with someone else, and my heart doesn't work that way.

And so now, it's you that I have to protect from myself.

Please don't fall in love with me.

What we have is uncertainty, but we need not to be reminded. What good would it bring, except ruin the present? And so take my hand, and deeper into this mess we go. With our hands entwined we'll face whatever this may bring, whether it be salvation or flames.

We can have our fun, make ourselves believe we're the last two humans on earth, we can make time stop or make it go faster. We can enjoy the stolen moments, we can make false promises. We can conquer the world. We can make our own world.

But remember this. At the end, when I have to choose, I will not choose you. I can't choose you.

You're not the one I love.
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I can't keep you out of my head.

I can't seem to function without a glimpse of you.

That smile you make, the laugh you let out. Your jokes, your stories, your entire being.

This is a battle of hearts and I'm on the losing side. I know we can make a truce but what thrill would that be? Shall we just continue this risky behavior and let ourselves be caught in the moment? Forget the past, forget the future, ignore the audience and whatever will happen?

Shall I let myself be lead on while thinking I'm the one with the winning card? I know I am putting myself in jeopardy, I know I'm being naive. But what good would smartness be, if the cost is losing you?

But I should. I should and I have to leave. But not right now, perhaps when it's a little too late. Perhaps when I'm in too deep and there's no escape but eternal flames.

I remember a song I wrote a few years ago, while I was watching a couple fighting in public. I didn't know back then that song will be my anthem now.

Ika'y pangarap na aking di makakamit, ika'y magiging akin lang sa panaginip. You're a wish I'll never get, you can only be mine in my dreams.

I can change things, you know? Stake my claim and call you mine. But to do so would be throwing away something far more precious, and far more rooted in me. Changing things would mean admitting secrets I wish to keep from you till I die, and exposing myself naked to all the eyes of the world.

I can't do that. Not when I feel that this is nothing but a game. Not when I know there's someone else. Not when I'm not the only one.

Nor will I ever be.

That's our thorn, you see. I want to be the only one for you.

And I can't be.

Not when you're not the only one for me.
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Right from the start I knew you were going to be trouble for me. You're the type of guy I can have a dangerous relationship with. The one I can wrap around my little finger and consume my entire being.

One event and several bottles of mojitos later, you're knocked out and I was the one cleaning up after you. Another party and the tables have turned.

From that point onward something snaps in both of us.

I would describe it as two souls recognizing each other, and knowing this is not the right time. This is not the right place. This is not the right person.

I am not  a free woman, and you are a free man. We are both committed. Me, to my beloved, and you, to whoever the lucky woman will be.

Whatever this is, whatever we are right now will only be a passing fancy and nothing more. This is but a game that bored people play, the dangerous game which holds all of hearts at stake.

It's the modern version of courtly love, of whispered promises and false offerings of hope. These butterflies you give me, the shivers done my spine are the effects of an infatuation I am hopelessly trapped in.

We have played this game before, and as always, I will guard my heart with walls of steel, walls of stone, walls of ice. I will cover the path with sharp thorns laced with poison. I will not let myself fall.

Your words speak sincerity and your actions do the same.

But I can not trust you. Not fully. Not truly. Not ever.

It hurts and it pains me, that one day you may read this and realize the evil being that I am, playing with your feelings. Or maybe you will rejoice and see the effect you have on me.

I try and ignore you but end up waiting for your texts and calls. I avoid you at work but pray to God I see you even just one time.

We meet outside of work and go on trips around the metro.

You make me feel special.

I know it's wrong but it feels so damn good.

My conscience eats me alive at night.

What are you doing to me?

Is it just the same of what I am doing to you?

Or am I right to assume that this nothing but a game of courtly love?
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It's like I'm chasing something that just always out of my reach
Near enough to entice, far enough not to be grasped
How do I keep up with you? It's like you're mythological
Like you're a dishonest dream, an enchanting nightmare
A cage I can't escape, chains I can't break
This is no longer part of my reality
Or is the very same, oh the shame!
That I fell for the very same tricks
I used to use with previous unfortunate souls
Is this the karma they revere so much?
The one they fear, the one who garners so much terror?
Is this it?

Shall I be forever be trapped in this never ending abyss
Like the Titans of Tartarus?
Or am I just being melodramatic, hormones kicking in?
Shall I be forever a prisoner of your eyes?
Your embrace, your words, your kisses?
Breaking free in a few hours, but it's just like a trick
Just a few moments of freedom, just a feel of what lies behind?

What shall happen now?
Shall I leave, shall I go?
Shall I stay, shall I be here?
Should I still believe that this is what I've been looking for?
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 "Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you, the beautiful Lilianne Ezperanza!"

Breathe in, breathe out. After seven long years of hiding, this is my big reveal.
Seven long years of repairing, recovering my lost self. Seven years of rebuilding, reshaping my life. It's amazing really, how five months ruined me, everything I believed in, and everyone I cared for. Five months that had to be reversed by seven years.
I walked out, with my carefully perfected catwalk. I was greeted by flashing lights, by applause. I smiled, nodded at the familiar faces. I was presented with a bouquet of flowers, and smiled my perfect smile, my smile reaching my eyes for the first time in a long time. I looked around, and recognized the movement.
My smile wavered for a bit, but my steely composure will never shatter now. Sure, I remember everything, every word, every action, every single second. But I'm happy to say that I'm over everything now. Honestly, I realize with relief.
I smiled brighter, even laughing with joy.. Real joy this time. With a final wave to my adoring audience, I turn, and go back to the dressing rooms to prepare for the interviews. I glanced back once, and met his eyes.
Those clear brown eyes I know all too well. I've seen anger, lust, love, sadness, and insanity in those eyes. I've stared into those eyes pleading for salvation, for an end to everything, but I never got any. I remembered the early moments that led me to believe I was in love with someone who finally cared. Someone who actually took the time to understand me, to know me, to memorize every single detail of me.
Those eyes showed me that I can be free, that I can be happy and the world didn't end. He was my savior from all the creatures under my bed, the monsters inside my head. The one who can make the skeletons in the closet vanish. I can stare into those eyes and say what I want, when I want without any reservations and without fear of being judged.
Sadly, those same eyes were the eyes I stared into while the one who owns them.. I shook myself from the recollections. I promised myself that I would never think of these messages ever again. Not today, not ever. This is all in the past now. I'm over everything that has happened. I have forgiven, I have not forgotten, but I will no longer remember.
I break the eye contact, close my eyes and breathe in, and breathe out. I will be okay. I am okay.
I have moved on.
Inspired by: Unlove You - KZ Tandingan

Re:

by on April 10, 2016
  "Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you, the beautiful Lilianne Ezperanza!" Breathe in, breathe out. After seven long years of h...
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