I am meant for more 

I am meant for more 

I am meant for more

These are the words that keep on repeating in my head.

I am meant for so much more than this

I am meant for so much more than this

I am meant for so much more than this

Right now I am having such a hard time with writing and typing out my feelings and I have so many thoughts that are distracting me but I know that I have to push and keep at it. I have to push through and actually write something because I need to exorcize these demons out. 

I need to keep writing

I need to keep creating 

I need to stay alive 

I have been on hiatus for days on end now and I know that I have so much pending things to do but I am not doing anything because I feel frozen. I am actually not sure why, but all I know is that I have to keep my head above water. I need to calm down and work and do what I have to do. 

I have to fight 

I have to breathe 

I have to be true to who I am 

The true me perseveres against all odds, no matter how much she wants to give up. The real me stands strong against all adversities.

I have weathered so many for so long, and I have stood the test of time.

So why do I feel like the world is ending? Or is the world ending as I know it? I feel so uneasy and unsure of everything that I know.

I feel the breeze from the edge of the cliff

The depth is calling me and singing my name

This time though, I know that I am not scared of finality of falling

I am scared of starting from the bottom up again.

To be completely honest, ringing in the new year didn't go exactly as planned. I cried a couple of hours before the fireworks, didn't get the perfect picture to post at exactly 12MN, didn't have a dinner reservation, forgot to order my planner ahead of time, didn't have my resolutions ready, yada yada yada. 

Ending 2022 just wasn't "it". 

I honestly felt so miserable and I just wanted to go home and sleep it off. 

But I didn't. 

I waited for the fireworks and kept on breathing. 

I'm only going to say this once here, and perhaps never again. 

I never planned to see 2023. My goal was to sleep in 2022, and never wake up. I was so close to doing it, too. I was just too tired to continue, you know? 

There have been way too many issues and I feel like I'm way too old to have these issues. Like, I should have all these resolved by now. I should be okay by now. I should've achieved so many things by this year and I should just be chilling at this point.

But I'm not and I have been feeling so damn tired. So, 365 days ago, I gave myself a year to fix stuff. 

I know you must'v been expecting a cheery new year post, and I'm sorry that these rambles just aint it.