Showing posts with label Life 2017. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Life 2017. Show all posts
It's okay not to be okay.

I have been staring at this blank screen for over 15 minutes.

Not knowing what to write.
What to say.
What to do.

The words are in my head, but my hands seem to be blocking the flow.

The only thing I feel.. The only thing that's keeping me sane right now is Franco's music. The steady flow of beat and rhythm keeps me going. The smooth roll of their voices guide me to move forward, one step at a time.

I have never had any music make me feel this way. At a time like this, when I know I am having issues, it's a great comfort to know I can feel this way just by plugging in my earphones.

I have had this hunch for quite some time, ever since I have read about it from a Thyroidism book. That what I have been feeling is not my fault. I have not done anything wrong, but is merely how I am programmed to work.

I have acquired hypothyroidism, having had hereditary hyperthyroidism. That means they weren't able to treat my hyperthyroidism so they "killed" my hyperactive thyroid to turn it hypo-active or literally non existent. That's how I acquired hypothyroidism. I now take levothyroxine sodium and have been on maintenance levothyroxine since I was 12. I'm 21 now, that's 9 (going 10) years on being dependent on medication to make sure everything inside me is doing okay. There have been periods in my life that I have been taking the incorrect dosage which I can associate with my entire mood being absolute shit. During the times I have the correct dosage, I was very productive.

This past year, I have been inconsistent with taking my medication and going to check-ups. Could it be that I am lacking with my hormones again? Could this be the reason why I can't get my life together?

Only consistency will tell.

I have a medical appointment set next week, I hope my questions will be answered, and with those answers I long to be able to finally live the life I have always imagined.
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Dear Discouraged Me,

I know you never wanted this. I know you never imagined your life like this.

Your gradeschool dream was to be a fashion designer. In high school you wanted to be film director. In college you wanted to be a supermodel.

Look where you are now.

An independent and self-reliant young woman who is on her way to be a graduate of one of the prestigious schools in the country. Not only that, your grades aren't just "passing". Girl, you're fucking flying with colors. You would even be on the President's List and a Latin Honor candidate if not for that 3.5 from Math I (then again, that's math, I understand.). Oh, did I mention you just submitted your work for the Palanca Awards? How about that you're doing all that while working a full-time job? And that you're this close to a 5-digit promotion?

A Google search of your name establishes your online presence (which is not just a social media presence, but an influencer presence). Yes, just in case you aren't busy enough with your school work and your workload, you added being a blogger and Youtuber into the mix. Your schedule has no time for sleep because you have work in the evening, school in the afternoon and blog events in between. Sleep basically means naps in 30-45 minute Uber rides, one hour breaks from work and 3-4 during rest days because you still have to film, edit and keep your apartment an organized home.. (because dishes and laundry don't wash themselves anymore)

At 21 you already have shares in the stocks and mutual funds, a savings account that grows .375% per annum, and you are already checking the real estate market for possible investments. Before I forget, your paintings also bring in 4 digits at the very least.You pay for your own bills, by your own hard-earned money. That overflowing makeup collection? Yeah, that's all from your own pocket too.

All these positive scripting doesn't hide the fact that you're all alone in a time you need all the support you can get. You went from a 16-year-old mind in a 19-year-old body to 20-something young woman who keeps super detailed household and finance books. You know where every centavo comes from and where it goes, you know when the last piece of bread was eaten and when the salt shaker was replenished. You went from "I wanna be teenage forever'' to "I'm adulting and I don't know what the fuck I'm doing".

You may go to work and classes disheveled and in "pajama" clothes, which is so different from how you were two years ago.. and you may miss that prettified, dressed up office girl.. but remember. Looks can be deceiving and you still know how to glow the fuck up. You may be falling asleep two hours in your shift but that's because you spent a good part of your "sleep hours" answering sponsorship and promotional emails and sending out business proposals or submitting homework and planning out term paper outlines. You may sometimes miss a few deadlines in school but that's because you were out covering events and earning up to 4 digits each post and photo.

You may miss your college self where you spent your school days "working" and being glammed up for the camera, going on auditions and interviews and earning up to 5x your weekly allowance in a day.. You may miss having Nanay and Tatay in the house to cook for you and clean up after you.. You may miss having actual free time and a social life that doesn't include meeting up for coffee and writing a 5-page paper due in 24 hours.. You may miss having 2 hours to glam up in the morning.. You may miss a carefree life in the province with everything already set up for you..

You may miss everything you used to have and that's okay.

Who you used to be is what built the foundation of who you are now.

You are strong, efficient and well versed in current events. You are like an autonomous country, you can decide for yourself and for your own good. You know what's best for you. You know what can make you ultimately happy. You have a good head on your shoulders, filled with facts, knowledge and street smarts. And no matter how much you deny it, I sincerely believe you inherited some business smarts from your Nanay Ganda and sipag-diskarte skills from Tatay Pogi.

Some days you have to scrimp and save until the next payday, some days you have no time or appetite to eat, some days you just want to quit and go back home.. just like today.

Again, that's okay.

Take a deep breath, leave all the deadlines and emails and paperwork at home, take a long, warm shower... maybe spend an afternoon in a coffee shop reading a YA book, or how about spending a weekend in the province?

Just recharge.

Tomorrow when you wake up, you'll be good as new, ready to beat your deadlines (which happen to be all on the same day) one by one.
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I went offline for a bit just to center myself and make myself miss blogging. I guess it's just that I wasn't seeing the returns that I was expecting and that kind of dulled the experience for me. So I decided to just leave and I "journalled" offline instead. I went back to good old writing on a notebook which is honestly not that good anymore in my opinion. My hands are no longer able to catch up with my mind, and perhaps it's also due to my apartment being not conducive to writing -- I have no chairs or even a functional table to use.

I'm just a damn mess to be honest. This is probably the longest time that I have been a mess in my life and it really is taking a huge toll on me. I tried to write 3 things that I have done that I am proud of everyday, and there was one day when I couldn't even think of a tiny one. Strange and sad, to be honest.

I even failed my midterms exam and didn't pass a paper I wrote. So much for staying on top of my game.

But I guess that's it, and I just have to make myself get up and step up.

I can tell you that my life is easy and fun, that I'm on the top of the world, but to be honest, IT IS SUPER DUPER HARD.

19% of my monthly earnings automatically go towards my tuition fee.

Almost 44% of my monthly earnings go towards paying off my debt. (Yes, I have debt, and I am ashamed that I let myself accumulate almost 50k in debt by the age of 21. I am currently doing my very best to pay it off.)

I live off the remaining 37% of my income. Some time ago, I realized the disparaging situation that I am in and I am now striving to think of ways on how to earn money on the side. One thing that I feel like is going to be successful is my baby project, reselling.

It started like this -- one of my teammates asked if I could buy some items from my hometown and he'd just pay for it when I get back. I agreed, and for some reason news spread that I was selling the said item. With a consultation and blessing from my grandmother (she's the queen of buy and sell in my opinion, it was how she and my grandfather paid for my father, aunt and uncle's college tuition back in the day.), I owned up to the reselling the item. I started with just 3 orders for the first batch, and for the 2nd batch I had 10 orders, with other people asking if there are any items left. My goal is to get 15 orders for my 3rd batch. Never did I imagine to be this kind of girl, and I have always told people that I'm not a businesswoman.

But here I am.

This chance experience got my mind into thinking about how else I can earn money from sidelines. For now I am sticking to reselling items and see how this will go on from here. I'm also hatching a business idea with my best friends, which I hope we can put into action once we have the capital (which I'll be getting from my "profit". Wow, I never thought I'd be saying that, ever.)

It also reignited my passion for blogging, because I know that I can use this platform to help me out -- not only with organizing my thoughts but to earn money on the side. To the point that I even wanted to move my blog to blogspot because of AdSense. That may never happen another though, because I don't like the format of Blogspot. Or maybe I grew out of it. My teenage blogs were on that platform and for some reason I can't help but see the templates as amateur. I feel like my blog here on Wordpress looks a lot more professional and streamlined with how I'd like my online presence to be.

In line with that thought, I also realized that in order to make money, I would have to shell out some cash as well. For example, in order to monetize my blog, I have to purchase a Plan Upgrade first, and then connect it with my Google AdSense account. Or maybe there's another way for that, but right now that's how I see it because although I have been blogging for quite sometime, I still have no idea how this shit really works.

I do intend to work it out though. I want to learn how this all works and how I can benefit from it in the long run. My ultimate goal is to retire by the time I am 35 and intend to do that.

I want to maximize all possible avenues that I can explore to earn more assets and finally, once and for all, demolish my incurred debt. One peso at a time.

I will try my best to document this on this blog, which I plan to monetize by January 2018.

Here's to finally achieving my dreams. :)
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    For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Jeremiah 29:11


Have you ever felt something along the lines of.. "I am supposed to be here."?

I felt that earlier, and I haven't felt that in a very long time.. Nowadays I would say that I'm not a very religious person, and I guess I'm really not. I didn't believe in religion. I believed in my relationship with God and how that has touched my life in all ways possible.

You see, I grew up in a strictly Catholic household. My grandparents were members of Couple for Christ. I was in Kids for Christ and later joined Youth for Christ. I was also a member of Children's Sunday Bible Study. I regularly went on households, retreats, camps, and conferences. I was leading groups. Speaking in front of people. I was playing worship songs.

Then, I just stopped.

I could say that I didn't know what happened, or that I just got busy.. but in reality, my parents did the right thing.

I became involved with a fellow YFC who was much older than me (more or less 10 years) and my parents found out. They banned me from attending any future events regarding YFC. I was grounded. I begged to go back, but they didn't allow me.

I spent a good part of the year sulking and sulking and then I wasn't. I got used to not going out all the time. I got used to free time, which I usually didn't have before. I also started college and suddenly I was part of a whole new world.

I tried to go back to YFC, I really did. There was a YFC Ubelt branch that I got invited to, but that didn't go as planned. I also got invited to join Victory Ubelt, but there wasn't enough guidance so that fell through as well.

My "Dark Ages" started around that time too.

My parents took me under their wing again, and slowly, I recovered. I also met the love of my life. I know, it sounds crazy but I really do think that Nevaeh is the one. He helped me in so many ways. He helped me to change and to go back to my roots. He grounded me. He was able to prevent me from hanging out with the wrong crowd, be home on time, stop vices and most of all, he made me realize that I am worthy of love. That I can still be loved and accepted just by being myself, even without the makeup, the fancy clothes or my social standing. He makes me feel that he loves me for me.

Enough mushmush.

What I'm trying to say is, I went for a photoshoot yesterday and ended up in a church meeting.

I knew there was going to be a church meeting first, but what I didn't know was that the topic will hit the exact spot in my heart.

The topic was "Prison Break", it's when you feel like you're trapped by problems, the past, sins.. whatever that's holding you hostage..

You guys know what I'm currently going through. I have a pretty heavy problem weighing on me, and I don't know the outcome yet. I am praying for a good one, but I also know that I would have to face the consequences sooner or later.

Pastor Lee, Ate Miles, and Ms. Anne all taught me something last night. The Universe, or God or whoever higher being is out there... is in control of a greater picture. Whatever I'm going through right now is part of the plan. I'm supposed to go through this.

One example that stuck with me was the story of Joseph the Dreamer, because I can relate to him.

He was the favored son, the apple of the eye of his father.. and because of other people, he had his fall from grace. He was beaten, sold, stripped of his prized possessions.. and yet he stayed true. Not only to his faith, but himself. He knew his dreams are worth something.. and he believed. From his prison, he was promoted to a high position and was able to save his family and other people.

My relation with Joseph goes a bit farther than that. My alma mater used to put on these plays and Joseph the Dreamer was the last play I watched as a Paulinian. When I moved to Olongapo, Joseph the Dreamer was also one of the shows we organized. It remains to be one of my favorites stories in the Bible.

Has his story been foreshadowing my life all along?

I don't know yet, but I think I would like to emulate him from now now on.

As Pastor Lee said, Praise on, Prays on, Press on.

What about you? Do you have a Bible story you identify with? Share in the comments below!
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Let's try something different..

Like, live blogging. Blogging on the spot. Right now it's August 29, 2017, 1:08AM. I'm charging my Fitbit Blaze, drinking coffee and working.. or not. There's no queue right now which is why I can write down my thoughts. I'm a customer service representative, and all I can say is that it totally changed the way I think about cashiers, waiters, etc. If I was nice before, I'm positively angelic towards them now, specially to those who does their work right. If not, well I give them a piece of my mind. I've learned that it's not just about providing what the customer wants, but how you say it as well. I'm not saying that I'm all compassionate and understanding and peaceful whatever now, but I've improved. I still have my privileged Catholic school girl provinciana attitude though.

I can't believe I'm saying this, but I actually miss brewed coffee. The coffee that Papa brews back when we still lived together. If I remember correctly, it's a mix of Arabica and Dark Roast.. I can drink that without sweetener or anything. The coffee I brew at home tastes horrendous even with sweetener and creamers so I just stopped drinking it altogether. I now get my coffee fix from either McDonald's when I'm in school or the coffee vendo machine here at work.

1:31AM - I logged a 30-minute break to stretch my legs and get my second cup of coffee. I use this tumbler from Starbucks which hold 473 ml.. Which means 3 servings from the coffee vendo machine. Yep, I'm that addicted to caffeine. I love how it's all foamy like a store bought latte, but that's what happens when you boil milk and pour it with a slow steady stream. I also took the time to play my favorite mobile game of the month, Bloons TD. I used to play this when I was a kid, when y8.com was all the rage. It's same game, but it's better. Even my boyfriend's hooked!



2:30AM - Now I'm planning my to-do list for later. Here's what's on my list right now;

8/29
File Pag Ibig Loan - ETA 3 weeks - for savings
Home
Film Hauls
Wash Dishes
Take out trash
Pack clothes

I plan to stay at the office for the rest of the week so that I can make use of the gym. I miss going to gym. I miss the times when I'm able to micro manage myself.. I really really want to bring that back.

3:25AM - I just realized that my outfit consists of a hoodie, jogging pants and well worn rubber shoes. You can either say this is a super fitness or super slob. I've had these jogging pants from Sassa and they are so comfortable I'd wear them everyday if I can.

3:34AM - As per my MFP logs, I have now consumed 2/3 of my allocated daily calorie intake just by coffee alone. If I could just drink black coffee, that would surely go down considerably. You know what's funny? I think something is really wrong with me. Like, inside me. I think I have an eating disorder.. I think this started when I started college. According to my grandmother, I was never a picky eater, I was always eating but I never gained any weight. Then when I got diagnosed hyperthyroidism and was treated as with hypothyroidism, a shift in me happened and I started being super self conscious. I literally shrunk before their eyes in college and checking back I look really tiny in college. I gained weight when I started going out with my current boyfriend.. and I think I can eat with no problem at all, but when I start eating I don't know how to stop. And when I stop I don't know how to start again. I can't rest either when I don't know what's my current weight or how many calories I currently have. I've looked up eating disorders but I can't place myself in any category. I think it would be best if I see someone, but I'm scared of the stigma of going to psychiatrists here in the Philippines. Like when I had my first OB visit, it's like the doctor was expecting me to blurt out that I'm pregnant or something and she was giving me stink eye. Then when I said I was there for UTI issues, she condescendingly asked if I was doing the deed. I'm not, but but if I was, is it wrong? You can say that I never went back to her. Currently looking for non-judgmental doctors covered by my health card.

Anyway, I want to start a fitness routine soon. Exercise, food, sleep, water.. all that. I'll keep you posted. I'm so inspired by the blogs I've been reading lately which is why I want to try it out for myself. I'll start on September 1st.

4AM - I've been checking out possible diets and I found the Oatmeal diet. Here's how to do it according to diet-blog.com

Phase One

    Dieters eat nothing but oatmeal for the first week.
    You can eat ½ cup of oatmeal for each meal, which may be combined with a ½ cup of skim milk if desired.
    Only whole oatmeal is allowed, not instant oatmeal.
    Instant oatmeal and granola bars should be avoided for the first seven days.
    Calorie consumption for the first seven days should be between 900-1200 calories per day.

Phase Two

    For the next 30 days, dieters continue having ½ cup of oatmeal three times a day in addition to their regular diet.
    Instant oatmeal is now permitted.
    Calories may now be increased slightly to 1000-1300 per day.
    A morning snack of a ½ cup of fruit and an afternoon snack of ½ cup raw vegetables are allowed.

This is probably the friendliest diet I can manage for now, so I'll try it and see how it goes. I'll also go back to the gym.

Am I looking to lose weight? Not really. More like lower my body fat percentage. I don't like being thin and flabby. Yes, I didn't know that was possible until I saw myself in the mirror.

6AM - So my hunch was right. There is something bad that's going to happen. I'm basically looking at a 4-day suspension which may or may not jeopardize my schooling. I can't deny it, there's no way that I can say I didn't do it to myself, because I did and the records show it. I know my fault, and I know what to do to avoid that fault.



Confusing? Let's back track.

I made the same mistake thrice. In real life, that's okay. There's forgiveness, and there's unlimited options for change and improvement. In the corporate world, not so much. Everything is put on paper and forgiveness is measured by a set period of time and hierarchy. Right now I have nine months to achieve forgiveness.

I can't help but think.. is this God's way of telling me that I have too much on my plate and that I'm spreading myself too thin? I mean, if this pushes through, I will get suspended, and in turn cut off my TIU privileges. Which would free up time and money for me.. Which can help me achieve two major goals that I have (being debt-free and growing my blog and Youtube channel).. But my status as a working student is what I believe to be my edge among others. It's what makes me special.








I don't want to lose that edge. Right now that's what's grounding me and making feel that I'm doing something with my life instead of just being a millenial zombie who works to survive because I thought I was strong enough to cut myself off from my parents.

So why did I let it go to waste?

I started with dropping a course and then being truant altogether. Now it will be taken away from me totally.



I don't want that to happen. I feel like I have adjusted myself and done what I can.. but I guess it isn't enough and I didn't try hard enough and now I'm paying the price. I have fixed my attendance, my satisfaction, my efficiency, all the other factors. I was flying high until two days ago. I feel like I've shot down. I was already celebrating and praising myself and thinking of how I'll reward myself and now this. Distraught would be a light term to describe what I'm feeling right now.

I thought I was finally reaping the benefits of positive thinking for my goal of passing my metrics.. but then it's not? I would blog about this, but I don't have access right now so please forgive my ramblings. I just don't know how to proceed at this point.

Although I have my Plan B's ready.. I would much rather go with Plan A.





Plan A consists of the Law of Attraction. I will focus on not getting a suspension. Not getting my TIU privileges taken away. Not committing any similar mistake. Instead, I will focus on being debt-free with a deadline -- before my 22nd birthday. I will focus on getting 5,000 blog followers and Youtube subscribers by August 2018. I will focus on getting a Baleen pay-out every month starting August 2017. I will focus on passing all my classes and being on top of the class. I will use the power of the universe to achieve my goals. If it requires that I micro manage myself, make sure that I know where I am every minute of every day and record it, I will. If it requires that I start right at this very moment, I will.

I will start with envisioning myself a year from now. Where do I see myself by August 29, 2018?

8:45AM - My shift's almost done, and I'm packing up. I've been listening to various motivational speeches and I'll full of positivity right now. I sincerely believe that I can make my goal changes in my life. That alone is enough for me right now.




This is quite a lengthy post, and I appreciate that you've reached this point. Feel free to share your thoughts in the comments below, I'm always listening.
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