Showing posts with label Life 2017. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Life 2017. Show all posts
It's okay not to be okay.

I have been staring at this blank screen for over 15 minutes.

Not knowing what to write.
What to say.
What to do.

The words are in my head, but my hands seem to be blocking the flow.

The only thing I feel.. The only thing that's keeping me sane right now is Franco's music. The steady flow of beat and rhythm keeps me going. The smooth roll of their voices guide me to move forward, one step at a time.

I have never had any music make me feel this way. At a time like this, when I know I am having issues, it's a great comfort to know I can feel this way just by plugging in my earphones.

I have had this hunch for quite some time, ever since I have read about it from a Thyroidism book. That what I have been feeling is not my fault. I have not done anything wrong, but is merely how I am programmed to work.

I have acquired hypothyroidism, having had hereditary hyperthyroidism. That means they weren't able to treat my hyperthyroidism so they "killed" my hyperactive thyroid to turn it hypo-active or literally non existent. That's how I acquired hypothyroidism. I now take levothyroxine sodium and have been on maintenance levothyroxine since I was 12. I'm 21 now, that's 9 (going 10) years on being dependent on medication to make sure everything inside me is doing okay. There have been periods in my life that I have been taking the incorrect dosage which I can associate with my entire mood being absolute shit. During the times I have the correct dosage, I was very productive.

This past year, I have been inconsistent with taking my medication and going to check-ups. Could it be that I am lacking with my hormones again? Could this be the reason why I can't get my life together?

Only consistency will tell.

I have a medical appointment set next week, I hope my questions will be answered, and with those answers I long to be able to finally live the life I have always imagined.
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Dear Discouraged Me,

I know you never wanted this. I know you never imagined your life like this.

Your gradeschool dream was to be a fashion designer. In high school you wanted to be film director. In college you wanted to be a supermodel.

Look where you are now.

An independent and self-reliant young woman who is on her way to be a graduate of one of the prestigious schools in the country. Not only that, your grades aren't just "passing". Girl, you're fucking flying with colors. You would even be on the President's List and a Latin Honor candidate if not for that 3.5 from Math I (then again, that's math, I understand.). Oh, did I mention you just submitted your work for the Palanca Awards? How about that you're doing all that while working a full-time job? And that you're this close to a 5-digit promotion?

A Google search of your name establishes your online presence (which is not just a social media presence, but an influencer presence). Yes, just in case you aren't busy enough with your school work and your workload, you added being a blogger and Youtuber into the mix. Your schedule has no time for sleep because you have work in the evening, school in the afternoon and blog events in between. Sleep basically means naps in 30-45 minute Uber rides, one hour breaks from work and 3-4 during rest days because you still have to film, edit and keep your apartment an organized home.. (because dishes and laundry don't wash themselves anymore)

At 21 you already have shares in the stocks and mutual funds, a savings account that grows .375% per annum, and you are already checking the real estate market for possible investments. Before I forget, your paintings also bring in 4 digits at the very least.You pay for your own bills, by your own hard-earned money. That overflowing makeup collection? Yeah, that's all from your own pocket too.

All these positive scripting doesn't hide the fact that you're all alone in a time you need all the support you can get. You went from a 16-year-old mind in a 19-year-old body to 20-something young woman who keeps super detailed household and finance books. You know where every centavo comes from and where it goes, you know when the last piece of bread was eaten and when the salt shaker was replenished. You went from "I wanna be teenage forever'' to "I'm adulting and I don't know what the fuck I'm doing".

You may go to work and classes disheveled and in "pajama" clothes, which is so different from how you were two years ago.. and you may miss that prettified, dressed up office girl.. but remember. Looks can be deceiving and you still know how to glow the fuck up. You may be falling asleep two hours in your shift but that's because you spent a good part of your "sleep hours" answering sponsorship and promotional emails and sending out business proposals or submitting homework and planning out term paper outlines. You may sometimes miss a few deadlines in school but that's because you were out covering events and earning up to 4 digits each post and photo.

You may miss your college self where you spent your school days "working" and being glammed up for the camera, going on auditions and interviews and earning up to 5x your weekly allowance in a day.. You may miss having Nanay and Tatay in the house to cook for you and clean up after you.. You may miss having actual free time and a social life that doesn't include meeting up for coffee and writing a 5-page paper due in 24 hours.. You may miss having 2 hours to glam up in the morning.. You may miss a carefree life in the province with everything already set up for you..

You may miss everything you used to have and that's okay.

Who you used to be is what built the foundation of who you are now.

You are strong, efficient and well versed in current events. You are like an autonomous country, you can decide for yourself and for your own good. You know what's best for you. You know what can make you ultimately happy. You have a good head on your shoulders, filled with facts, knowledge and street smarts. And no matter how much you deny it, I sincerely believe you inherited some business smarts from your Nanay Ganda and sipag-diskarte skills from Tatay Pogi.

Some days you have to scrimp and save until the next payday, some days you have no time or appetite to eat, some days you just want to quit and go back home.. just like today.

Again, that's okay.

Take a deep breath, leave all the deadlines and emails and paperwork at home, take a long, warm shower... maybe spend an afternoon in a coffee shop reading a YA book, or how about spending a weekend in the province?

Just recharge.

Tomorrow when you wake up, you'll be good as new, ready to beat your deadlines (which happen to be all on the same day) one by one.
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I went offline for a bit just to center myself and make myself miss blogging. I guess it's just that I wasn't seeing the returns that I was expecting and that kind of dulled the experience for me. So I decided to just leave and I "journalled" offline instead. I went back to good old writing on a notebook which is honestly not that good anymore in my opinion. My hands are no longer able to catch up with my mind, and perhaps it's also due to my apartment being not conducive to writing -- I have no chairs or even a functional table to use.

I'm just a damn mess to be honest. This is probably the longest time that I have been a mess in my life and it really is taking a huge toll on me. I tried to write 3 things that I have done that I am proud of everyday, and there was one day when I couldn't even think of a tiny one. Strange and sad, to be honest.

I even failed my midterms exam and didn't pass a paper I wrote. So much for staying on top of my game.

But I guess that's it, and I just have to make myself get up and step up.

I can tell you that my life is easy and fun, that I'm on the top of the world, but to be honest, IT IS SUPER DUPER HARD.

19% of my monthly earnings automatically go towards my tuition fee.

Almost 44% of my monthly earnings go towards paying off my debt. (Yes, I have debt, and I am ashamed that I let myself accumulate almost 50k in debt by the age of 21. I am currently doing my very best to pay it off.)

I live off the remaining 37% of my income. Some time ago, I realized the disparaging situation that I am in and I am now striving to think of ways on how to earn money on the side. One thing that I feel like is going to be successful is my baby project, reselling.

It started like this -- one of my teammates asked if I could buy some items from my hometown and he'd just pay for it when I get back. I agreed, and for some reason news spread that I was selling the said item. With a consultation and blessing from my grandmother (she's the queen of buy and sell in my opinion, it was how she and my grandfather paid for my father, aunt and uncle's college tuition back in the day.), I owned up to the reselling the item. I started with just 3 orders for the first batch, and for the 2nd batch I had 10 orders, with other people asking if there are any items left. My goal is to get 15 orders for my 3rd batch. Never did I imagine to be this kind of girl, and I have always told people that I'm not a businesswoman.

But here I am.

This chance experience got my mind into thinking about how else I can earn money from sidelines. For now I am sticking to reselling items and see how this will go on from here. I'm also hatching a business idea with my best friends, which I hope we can put into action once we have the capital (which I'll be getting from my "profit". Wow, I never thought I'd be saying that, ever.)

It also reignited my passion for blogging, because I know that I can use this platform to help me out -- not only with organizing my thoughts but to earn money on the side. To the point that I even wanted to move my blog to blogspot because of AdSense. That may never happen another though, because I don't like the format of Blogspot. Or maybe I grew out of it. My teenage blogs were on that platform and for some reason I can't help but see the templates as amateur. I feel like my blog here on Wordpress looks a lot more professional and streamlined with how I'd like my online presence to be.

In line with that thought, I also realized that in order to make money, I would have to shell out some cash as well. For example, in order to monetize my blog, I have to purchase a Plan Upgrade first, and then connect it with my Google AdSense account. Or maybe there's another way for that, but right now that's how I see it because although I have been blogging for quite sometime, I still have no idea how this shit really works.

I do intend to work it out though. I want to learn how this all works and how I can benefit from it in the long run. My ultimate goal is to retire by the time I am 35 and intend to do that.

I want to maximize all possible avenues that I can explore to earn more assets and finally, once and for all, demolish my incurred debt. One peso at a time.

I will try my best to document this on this blog, which I plan to monetize by January 2018.

Here's to finally achieving my dreams. :)
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    For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Jeremiah 29:11


Have you ever felt something along the lines of.. "I am supposed to be here."?

I felt that earlier, and I haven't felt that in a very long time.. Nowadays I would say that I'm not a very religious person, and I guess I'm really not. I didn't believe in religion. I believed in my relationship with God and how that has touched my life in all ways possible.

You see, I grew up in a strictly Catholic household. My grandparents were members of Couple for Christ. I was in Kids for Christ and later joined Youth for Christ. I was also a member of Children's Sunday Bible Study. I regularly went on households, retreats, camps, and conferences. I was leading groups. Speaking in front of people. I was playing worship songs.

Then, I just stopped.

I could say that I didn't know what happened, or that I just got busy.. but in reality, my parents did the right thing.

I became involved with a fellow YFC who was much older than me (more or less 10 years) and my parents found out. They banned me from attending any future events regarding YFC. I was grounded. I begged to go back, but they didn't allow me.

I spent a good part of the year sulking and sulking and then I wasn't. I got used to not going out all the time. I got used to free time, which I usually didn't have before. I also started college and suddenly I was part of a whole new world.

I tried to go back to YFC, I really did. There was a YFC Ubelt branch that I got invited to, but that didn't go as planned. I also got invited to join Victory Ubelt, but there wasn't enough guidance so that fell through as well.

My "Dark Ages" started around that time too.

My parents took me under their wing again, and slowly, I recovered. I also met the love of my life. I know, it sounds crazy but I really do think that Nevaeh is the one. He helped me in so many ways. He helped me to change and to go back to my roots. He grounded me. He was able to prevent me from hanging out with the wrong crowd, be home on time, stop vices and most of all, he made me realize that I am worthy of love. That I can still be loved and accepted just by being myself, even without the makeup, the fancy clothes or my social standing. He makes me feel that he loves me for me.

Enough mushmush.

What I'm trying to say is, I went for a photoshoot yesterday and ended up in a church meeting.

I knew there was going to be a church meeting first, but what I didn't know was that the topic will hit the exact spot in my heart.

The topic was "Prison Break", it's when you feel like you're trapped by problems, the past, sins.. whatever that's holding you hostage..

You guys know what I'm currently going through. I have a pretty heavy problem weighing on me, and I don't know the outcome yet. I am praying for a good one, but I also know that I would have to face the consequences sooner or later.

Pastor Lee, Ate Miles, and Ms. Anne all taught me something last night. The Universe, or God or whoever higher being is out there... is in control of a greater picture. Whatever I'm going through right now is part of the plan. I'm supposed to go through this.

One example that stuck with me was the story of Joseph the Dreamer, because I can relate to him.

He was the favored son, the apple of the eye of his father.. and because of other people, he had his fall from grace. He was beaten, sold, stripped of his prized possessions.. and yet he stayed true. Not only to his faith, but himself. He knew his dreams are worth something.. and he believed. From his prison, he was promoted to a high position and was able to save his family and other people.

My relation with Joseph goes a bit farther than that. My alma mater used to put on these plays and Joseph the Dreamer was the last play I watched as a Paulinian. When I moved to Olongapo, Joseph the Dreamer was also one of the shows we organized. It remains to be one of my favorites stories in the Bible.

Has his story been foreshadowing my life all along?

I don't know yet, but I think I would like to emulate him from now now on.

As Pastor Lee said, Praise on, Prays on, Press on.

What about you? Do you have a Bible story you identify with? Share in the comments below!
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Let's try something different..

Like, live blogging. Blogging on the spot. Right now it's August 29, 2017, 1:08AM. I'm charging my Fitbit Blaze, drinking coffee and working.. or not. There's no queue right now which is why I can write down my thoughts. I'm a customer service representative, and all I can say is that it totally changed the way I think about cashiers, waiters, etc. If I was nice before, I'm positively angelic towards them now, specially to those who does their work right. If not, well I give them a piece of my mind. I've learned that it's not just about providing what the customer wants, but how you say it as well. I'm not saying that I'm all compassionate and understanding and peaceful whatever now, but I've improved. I still have my privileged Catholic school girl provinciana attitude though.

I can't believe I'm saying this, but I actually miss brewed coffee. The coffee that Papa brews back when we still lived together. If I remember correctly, it's a mix of Arabica and Dark Roast.. I can drink that without sweetener or anything. The coffee I brew at home tastes horrendous even with sweetener and creamers so I just stopped drinking it altogether. I now get my coffee fix from either McDonald's when I'm in school or the coffee vendo machine here at work.

1:31AM - I logged a 30-minute break to stretch my legs and get my second cup of coffee. I use this tumbler from Starbucks which hold 473 ml.. Which means 3 servings from the coffee vendo machine. Yep, I'm that addicted to caffeine. I love how it's all foamy like a store bought latte, but that's what happens when you boil milk and pour it with a slow steady stream. I also took the time to play my favorite mobile game of the month, Bloons TD. I used to play this when I was a kid, when y8.com was all the rage. It's same game, but it's better. Even my boyfriend's hooked!



2:30AM - Now I'm planning my to-do list for later. Here's what's on my list right now;

8/29
File Pag Ibig Loan - ETA 3 weeks - for savings
Home
Film Hauls
Wash Dishes
Take out trash
Pack clothes

I plan to stay at the office for the rest of the week so that I can make use of the gym. I miss going to gym. I miss the times when I'm able to micro manage myself.. I really really want to bring that back.

3:25AM - I just realized that my outfit consists of a hoodie, jogging pants and well worn rubber shoes. You can either say this is a super fitness or super slob. I've had these jogging pants from Sassa and they are so comfortable I'd wear them everyday if I can.

3:34AM - As per my MFP logs, I have now consumed 2/3 of my allocated daily calorie intake just by coffee alone. If I could just drink black coffee, that would surely go down considerably. You know what's funny? I think something is really wrong with me. Like, inside me. I think I have an eating disorder.. I think this started when I started college. According to my grandmother, I was never a picky eater, I was always eating but I never gained any weight. Then when I got diagnosed hyperthyroidism and was treated as with hypothyroidism, a shift in me happened and I started being super self conscious. I literally shrunk before their eyes in college and checking back I look really tiny in college. I gained weight when I started going out with my current boyfriend.. and I think I can eat with no problem at all, but when I start eating I don't know how to stop. And when I stop I don't know how to start again. I can't rest either when I don't know what's my current weight or how many calories I currently have. I've looked up eating disorders but I can't place myself in any category. I think it would be best if I see someone, but I'm scared of the stigma of going to psychiatrists here in the Philippines. Like when I had my first OB visit, it's like the doctor was expecting me to blurt out that I'm pregnant or something and she was giving me stink eye. Then when I said I was there for UTI issues, she condescendingly asked if I was doing the deed. I'm not, but but if I was, is it wrong? You can say that I never went back to her. Currently looking for non-judgmental doctors covered by my health card.

Anyway, I want to start a fitness routine soon. Exercise, food, sleep, water.. all that. I'll keep you posted. I'm so inspired by the blogs I've been reading lately which is why I want to try it out for myself. I'll start on September 1st.

4AM - I've been checking out possible diets and I found the Oatmeal diet. Here's how to do it according to diet-blog.com

Phase One

    Dieters eat nothing but oatmeal for the first week.
    You can eat ½ cup of oatmeal for each meal, which may be combined with a ½ cup of skim milk if desired.
    Only whole oatmeal is allowed, not instant oatmeal.
    Instant oatmeal and granola bars should be avoided for the first seven days.
    Calorie consumption for the first seven days should be between 900-1200 calories per day.

Phase Two

    For the next 30 days, dieters continue having ½ cup of oatmeal three times a day in addition to their regular diet.
    Instant oatmeal is now permitted.
    Calories may now be increased slightly to 1000-1300 per day.
    A morning snack of a ½ cup of fruit and an afternoon snack of ½ cup raw vegetables are allowed.

This is probably the friendliest diet I can manage for now, so I'll try it and see how it goes. I'll also go back to the gym.

Am I looking to lose weight? Not really. More like lower my body fat percentage. I don't like being thin and flabby. Yes, I didn't know that was possible until I saw myself in the mirror.

6AM - So my hunch was right. There is something bad that's going to happen. I'm basically looking at a 4-day suspension which may or may not jeopardize my schooling. I can't deny it, there's no way that I can say I didn't do it to myself, because I did and the records show it. I know my fault, and I know what to do to avoid that fault.



Confusing? Let's back track.

I made the same mistake thrice. In real life, that's okay. There's forgiveness, and there's unlimited options for change and improvement. In the corporate world, not so much. Everything is put on paper and forgiveness is measured by a set period of time and hierarchy. Right now I have nine months to achieve forgiveness.

I can't help but think.. is this God's way of telling me that I have too much on my plate and that I'm spreading myself too thin? I mean, if this pushes through, I will get suspended, and in turn cut off my TIU privileges. Which would free up time and money for me.. Which can help me achieve two major goals that I have (being debt-free and growing my blog and Youtube channel).. But my status as a working student is what I believe to be my edge among others. It's what makes me special.








I don't want to lose that edge. Right now that's what's grounding me and making feel that I'm doing something with my life instead of just being a millenial zombie who works to survive because I thought I was strong enough to cut myself off from my parents.

So why did I let it go to waste?

I started with dropping a course and then being truant altogether. Now it will be taken away from me totally.



I don't want that to happen. I feel like I have adjusted myself and done what I can.. but I guess it isn't enough and I didn't try hard enough and now I'm paying the price. I have fixed my attendance, my satisfaction, my efficiency, all the other factors. I was flying high until two days ago. I feel like I've shot down. I was already celebrating and praising myself and thinking of how I'll reward myself and now this. Distraught would be a light term to describe what I'm feeling right now.

I thought I was finally reaping the benefits of positive thinking for my goal of passing my metrics.. but then it's not? I would blog about this, but I don't have access right now so please forgive my ramblings. I just don't know how to proceed at this point.

Although I have my Plan B's ready.. I would much rather go with Plan A.





Plan A consists of the Law of Attraction. I will focus on not getting a suspension. Not getting my TIU privileges taken away. Not committing any similar mistake. Instead, I will focus on being debt-free with a deadline -- before my 22nd birthday. I will focus on getting 5,000 blog followers and Youtube subscribers by August 2018. I will focus on getting a Baleen pay-out every month starting August 2017. I will focus on passing all my classes and being on top of the class. I will use the power of the universe to achieve my goals. If it requires that I micro manage myself, make sure that I know where I am every minute of every day and record it, I will. If it requires that I start right at this very moment, I will.

I will start with envisioning myself a year from now. Where do I see myself by August 29, 2018?

8:45AM - My shift's almost done, and I'm packing up. I've been listening to various motivational speeches and I'll full of positivity right now. I sincerely believe that I can make my goal changes in my life. That alone is enough for me right now.




This is quite a lengthy post, and I appreciate that you've reached this point. Feel free to share your thoughts in the comments below, I'm always listening.
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I literally have two hours of sleep. Running on energy from poison, also known as energy drinks.

I'm wide awake though. And super sleepy. So how do we make sense of that? My mind is alert but my body is screaming for some rest?

I'm not sure why I wasn't able to sleep earlier, maybe because I was playing and watching videos on my phone?

Yeah, maybe..

And yes, not one item got crossed off my to-do list. I'm so fucking great, yeah? In my defense, I filed for an immediate unpaid leave on Friday so I have an additional day off.. plus the Incorporation Rites thingy was moved next week due to Eid'l Adha (yay double pay! Edit: Not really, my IUL falls on that day. At least it won't be unpaid anymore though). Then, have classes the day after that, and an event the day after that. Oh, did I mention that I also have a date exactly seven days from now?

Yeah, looks like my 2nd week of September is pretty jam-packed. I'm not complaining though. Since I'm going to try and vlog (and upload, so help me God) everyday for September, it's good to have a lot of scheduled so I can make my videos interesting. Right?

Going to a meeting, be right back..

Meeting has ended. It's all about stuff I can't really blog about, so there.

I just finished eating an apple too and I feel so fat. I don't even know why. I haven't eaten anything at all before. Is it bloating? I usually get this when I suddenly eat after not eating. Now I feel dizzy. What the fuck?

I've been thinking of my blog posting schedule.. It always seems delayed by a whole day and I'm thinking of trying to post within the day so that it would look cohesive. I don't know. I guess I'll just have to try later and see if that will work for me.

Today's the day that I can (finally) file my HDMF Loan, because our HR office was closed for some reason. I'll also try and get another thing finished before I have to go and meetup a friend to talk about her (and hopefully mine) upcoming class. Remember when I mentioned that I'm going to take Basic Fashion Styling in SoFA Design Institute? I'm becoming uncertain because I'm not sure if I'll be able to take the course load and the financial stress this will definitely put me in. I'm hoping that I get the financial aid that may or may not come by the end of September.. I'm hoping it will, I'm hoping it won't. I can make it work either way.

And I guess time's up, blogger babes. I'm leaving in a few minutes. Not so much content today, but I hope you enjoyed reading. I'll try and include photos next time so it's not just words.

What's the most common reason why you can't fall asleep easily? Share in the comments!
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For some reason, I want to try live blogging.. Or journal blogging.. You know, the one where I just post whatever is on my mind.

Which is what I've been doing, but you get my point. I hope. Coz I don't.

Basta, I'll try and post about what's actually happened to my day. Maybe add photos? IDK. I think I grew out of the photo taking phase. I like to think that I just enjoy living in the moment, but I'm just lazy.

Well. It's the 27th of August and I'm currently rendering 5 hours overtime. I missed rendering OT hours. I used to render overtime all the time when I was still new here, and I used to rake in so much cash. That of course I spent on stuff. And saved for future shopping. I ended up using the cash to move out. Back then that was the peak of my life. I had a whole place to my own and I was free to do whatever I want. It got old pretty fast when I realized dishes and laundry and trash don't do themselves. I've adjusted now, but I think the state of my apartment is directly related to my state of mind. Right now it's chaotic. I'm not going to post photos of what my apartment actually looks like right now, but I'll put in photos of when it's pristine. How I wish I can always keep it like this. I do think it's more a storage issue rather than an organizing issue though.




Who am I kidding.

It's a hoarding issue. I just have wayyy too many stuff for one person. I've been trying to get that under control, but I end up purchasing more stuff that I don't have a place for.

Whoa. I really got carried away huh?

Oh well. Lately I've been reading Say Tioco's blog. As in reading it from the very first post and moving my way to the most recent ones. The first post on her blog was around April 2011, and I'm on August 2011. This girl is a prolific blogger. I actually did this with Kristine Roces' blog, and I was able to finish hers in about a month. I'm a prolific reader too, I guess. For Say's blog.. I don't know how long six years worth of blog posts would take me.

I just love reading blogs and seeing how these people have matured over the years. It inspires me to commit to mine. It reminds me that these people that I look up also started as small time bloggers and now they have made their own marks in the online community. So yes, with hard work, I know that I'll be able to get this up and running.

Hmm.. What else do I talk about?

Oh. I recently got my first ever blazer. If you know me, I don't really buy clothes. If I do, I get them from Ukay-ukay or Divisoria shops. If I do buy clothes from RTW, most of it are trendy clothes or fitness clothes.. or clothes that I can't have made to order. Call me privileged, but if I can get my clothes specifically made for me, I will have them made for me. So yeah.



I had my modista whip up a blazer and slacks for me because I was going to attend my first legit university event. My school, University of Asia and the Pacific, calls it Freshman Incorporation Rites. It's described as the first academic rite a UA&P freshman undergoes is the Incorporation, where students are formally welcomed into the University community. I know, I'm already a sophomore, but my batch wasn't able to attend the previous one so we're going to attend this one. I'll explain it all in a blog post about TIU and how it works.

Speaking of school.. for some reason, the last semester just went to the dogs. I don't even know if I'll pass any of my subjects. It's that bad. And I have no one to blame but myself. I'm still in the process of trying to understand myself and why I'm so out of it lately, so I can't go into detail about that right now. I'm praying that next semester will be different. That I can refocus myself. I know I can, and I believe having this creative outlet will help me.

I know this really isn't a "live" blog since this went up two days after I wrote it, but I needed to get yesterday's post up because that was already two weeks late.

So.. yeah. Thanks for reading today's post and see you next time!
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Hey everyone!

I know, I've been gone way too long, and to be honest, I don't have any valid excuse. So, I won't make any excuses. I just want to get back to blogging because I missed it a lot. I miss the pressure of beating the deadline and making sure I post before my 24-hour interval is up.

Let's just forget that I missed 2 weeks of blogging, yes? Cool.

Today, let's dream a little. My boyfriend and I always have this sort of conversations, and I want to share it with you. We (well, I) like to ask what we'd do if we had a million pesos. A million pesos is worth roughly US$20,000 at the time this is posted.

Yep. Let's talk about that.

If I had a million pesos, I would save half of it immediately. A quarter of that savings in a time deposit, another quarter in emergency funds, one in investments and the last one will be for starting a business.

That leaves me with around 500,000. I'll give half of that to my Nanay and Tatay, because they deserve it and I want to repay them as much as I could. With my 250,000, I'll give 25,000 to charity or church... 15,000 for me spend however I want(food, clothes, travel, makeup, whatever the hell I can think of)... 150,000 for my dream house (I know, not much, but I want to get it started first and not buy it outright)... and then whatever is left, I'll use/save as needed.

And just like that, my million is gone.

Seeing as how expensive living in the city is nowadays, the 50k+ I had left won't take me very far. Magically having a million pesos also wouldn't be enough reason for me to quit my job or stop me from pursuing my diploma. It makes me realize that money is fleeting.. That even if I have that huge amount of money, when I budget it to what I want, it disappears like bubbles.

I guess what I want to say is that whatever anyone says, material things can never provide happiness. True happiness, that is.

Money doesn't make the world go round, it just greases the gears. But what if the gears are stuck?

Love helps. And hope, and faith, and perseverance.

That's what makes the world go round.

And no amount of money can ever buy those.

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Thank you so much for reading, and do let me know in the comments what you'd do with a million pesos!
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So maybe I got a little bit sidetracked last week and posted pre-written (nonsense) posts just not to break the post streak, and I may or may not have failed to pass a few (a lot) of class papers..

I'm feeling that drowning feeling again and it's not.. nice.

Just when I thought I was coping a little, it comes back and bites me. Hard. Harder than before. I end up a bloodier mess than what I was when I started. It's batshit crazy to be honest.

I have to rest days and I had extra day off to finally spring clean my apartment and finish all the stuff I had to do, and I end up laying on bed watching Netflix. Okay, I did have a productive 12 hours where I was able to finish tidy up my room and finish the more important stuff (like my 2 term papers due the day after), but other than that, none.

Part of me wants to congratulate myself for a job well done, but part of me also wants to bang my head for the things I haven't done.

It makes me seriously wonder.. Is it me? Is there something very wrong with me that I can't stick to my plans? I used to be so in control and I used to be able to have so much self control.. but now I feel like I have none. Nada. Zero.

OKAY. I am really thankful that I was able to break my borderline OC control because it was not healthy at all and just landed me at the hospital.. but as crazy as it sounds I want some of that control back. I want to be able to wake up 2-3 hours before my shift or class and get some workout done. I want to be able to control my (now healthy) portions and stop this starve-binge-starve cycle that I have going on, and be able to finish my daily to-do list WHATEVER it takes, be it pulling an all-nighter. Some days I think that I'd rather have too much control than nothing at all but I know that's bad. Really, really bad.

*sigh*

So what to do now?

Get up and pick up where I stumbled. I want to give up, but I don't have to. I need to get up because I owe it to the people who never gave up on me. I have to keep fighting, keep pushing, keep paving this path that I forged for myself. I need to prove it to myself that I can. I can go further than this.

I watched the motivational video I posted about last week, and it renewed me. It reminded me that I can do it. I can manage. I can do it. I don't have to start over, I can pick up where I fell down and learn from my mistakes. I am not going to quit, not even when I reach my current goal. I'll set another goal and reach that, and set another and reach that, and so on.

I may be in a dark place right now, and I don't like it one bit, but I will not be here for the rest of my life. I will move forward and push forward. I don't need a guiding light, because I am the guiding light for myself.

I know where I want to be, and I know how to get there.

And so I will.
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How I miss these stats..







Nowadays my stats are like this.



How disappointing right? I used to workout every single day and now it's a miracle if I even decide to walk short distances. I get out of breath even just by climbing the stairs! I used to be able to run 20 minutes straight on a treadmill and an elliptical. I used to have defined abs and shoulders and now I'm bloated all the time. I can seriously feel my body changing.. for the worse.

So on Saturday, I went back to the gym and stepped on the treadmill for the first time since March. So to be honest, I stopped working out before I had an injury and my favorite coach left the gym (I miss you, Coach Yna!), and I was just really demotivated to work out. So I didn't. And now I have lost a lot of weight but have gained a lot of body fat. The last time I checked, it was 21.6% and now it's a whopping 24.7%. No wonder I feel bloated all the time and I lost all muscle definition I had. As for the treadmill run, I followed the Day 1 of the Couch to 5K app and I almost died. I felt good to sweat again though. And the steaming hot shower at the gym is worth all the pain I'll be going through for the next few days. DOMS is real, you guys.

For now I'm won't be following a diet plan but instead I'll slowly incorporate it into my routine. I don't think dropping junk food cold turkey would be any good for me. By September I hope I can be on the Whole30 diet plan.

Alright. So here's my weekly gym schedule for now, which is similar to what was recommend by my coach, Yna (I miss you much! Paramdam ka naman!).

Monday - Abs & Legs
Tuesday - Butt
Wednesday - Arms & Back
Thursday - Legs & Butt
Friday - Abs & Legs

Saturday and Sunday are my rest days, but I want to try and incorporate finish the Couch to 5K workout plan as well because I want to be able to run a marathon in my lifetime (preferably this year, if there will be any interesting ones).

For my workout routine, I don't really have something in mind, usually I just follow what the gym coach recommends or whatever machine is available that fits my workout requirement for the day. I also stay hydrated during my workout and make sure my form is good and I keep active if I'm going to wait for a bit.

There are some visuals that I found on the internet that I would love to try though. I am particularly interested with the 30-day challenges that are focused for one body part but I've been advised to try those only when I'm physically and mentally ready to avoid injury. Which perfectly makes sense. So maybe I'll try those when I've upped my fitness game a bit.

The third quarter of the year is not really the best time here in the Philippines to start building a "beach body" because it's almost "ber-months" or "beer-months" for my friends. It means there are a lot of celebrations or feasts that will be overflowing with alcohol and food, and all my hard work might go to waste, but I know my newfound determination and my Fitbit Blaze will keep me in check.

I'll try and post about my Couch to 5K journey but I'm not sure how to make fitness posts (and I'm still kind of shy to be all blogger in the gym!!! Edit: Actually, I am super shy at the gym now. I don't know anyone anymore!!!) so that's tentative for now. I'll just focus on blogging daily and sticking to my schedule.

That's all for today my dears. How about you? What's your fitness goal or plan? I'm excited to hear about it!
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So a few weeks ago, my boyfriend and I visited the Ayala Museum. This time, my grandparents and I visited the Philippine National Museum of Arts and Anthropology. And yes, this is for another paper for my Asia Pacific Classes - South East Asia (Hi Mr. Paje!).

First of all, I just want to thank my grandparents for coming with me. I really appreciate the effort they made just to make sure their little girl (me) didn't go alone. Besides, I owe my love for learning to these two. I grew up reading dictionaries, watching the news and documentaries, and listening to myths because they provided that atmosphere. So here I am.

We met up at Jollibee UN Avenue, and so, so, so many memories flooded back to me. We used pull all-nighters in McDonald's to study and have coffee.. because we were so obviously drunk and underage. I used to have breakfast here all the time.. but that's not what this post is about so moving on!

From UN Avenue, we rode a jeepney and got off at the National Museum. What irked me is that I felt like the jeepney driver didn't even offer any other direction or told us what to do next. It was like being scammed and I don't like the feeling at all. We ended up walking at least 15 minutes under the hot sun and I was pissed because I don't like seeing Nanay or Tatay experiencing any difficulties. I actually wanted to ride an Uber but I wasn't able to book any (Thanks, LTRFB).

We finally got in the Philippine National Museum of Arts and was looking around, learning about the paintings and admiring the works of these famous people. We were able to admire the Spolarium, which is a HUGE painting. It's even bigger than my current apartment! I wonder how long Juan Luna painted this.. We also saw the Una Bulaqueña which is one painting that I am very interested about because I read somewhere that she could be from San Miguel, Bulacan, my hometown. Not entirely sure, but according to some research, Una Bulaqueña has already been identified. (I wasn't able to take a picture, unfortunately.)

    Nanay and Tatay admiring the Spolarium

I told Nanay that one day my paintings are going to be hung in a gallery just like this one and she said that I would either have to be very good at it or be rich and famous. Believe me Nay, I'm working on it.
Nanay and Tatay looking at Juan Luna's studio

 
    Nanay wants to recreate the statue through cross stitch!

After seeing most of the items on display, I realized that we were in the wrong museum. So we went to the Philippine National Museum of Anthropology where I felt much more at home. The items looked familiar and related to my research work.

Maybe we'll go back and explore the Arts building in detail when I take Fine Arts or something.

Here are a few items that caught my attention and are probably going to be the subject of my term paper..

Salaping Pilak from the San Diego shipwreck

    16th Century Astrolabe

    An intricate plow

Gold and Ivory Rosary and Silver Chalice

A few more photo ops.. There were a lot of good places for photos, actually, and I'd love to go back here and have an actual photoshoot. Not sure how that will work though, but we'll figure out a way. There were tons of Instagram worthy spots and the lighting is great!

    We are all National Living Treasures in my opinion.

    My National Living Treasures.

    May forever <3

    Obligatory "tourist-y" photos

    Obligatory "tourist-y" photos

    Showing off my BLAZING highlight

    #OOTD, of course.

    Thank you, Nanay and Tatay :)

Now all that's left is to make a term paper.. 2 pages short bond paper that's at least substance 20, Arial 12 font, 1'' margins and worth A++.
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Ah, Sundays. The bane of my existence. The day I don't get a lot of sleep.

But Sunday, oh Sunday, you represent a new beginning that I can't resist. You represent the new start I crave so much. Not to mention that today is the Feast of the Transfiguration of the Lord. For the non-Catholics, this is symbolic because this is when Jesus showed that He is the link between human and God, and God solidifies this by declaring "This is my beloved Son, with whom I am well pleased; listen to him.".

I don't want to sound very preachy, but I just want to share how much I'm touched by the gospel today. It's like God's telling me that I should come back to Him and reunite with Him through His Son. Maybe this is also one of my missing pieces, one of the puzzle pieces that I have to claim in order to fill the void I have. Maybe He is indeed vital to me, and without Him, I am lost.

"Rise, and do not be afraid."

Maybe with Him, I will be able to rise from this pit that I've been digging myself. Maybe I need to be as courageous as I was before with saying that I believe in God and that I am not afraid to show my beliefs. Maybe with Him, I'll find the peace I crave.

All these maybes, so much maybes. But I guess this will only be answered by a church visit and a one-on-one talk with my Father.
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Now that I know where to start, let's crash them goals! Sort of.

For August, my main goal is to finish my Acads strong. My secondary goal is to blog daily.

To be honest, I feel like I'm going to be more successful with my secondary goal rather that my main one because I feel like I can't catch up with my classes. Lunod na lunod na ko. So many term papers to pass and I've written four words - my name. I seriously don't know what to do and I honestly just want this semester to pass. Really. I just want to start over but I know that won't help me at all because I have to learn how to finish what I started. *sigh*

I just can't find the motivation to write about the things I was studying. I mean, I am interested, but it has lost it's taste. It's become bland and boring and it's quite sad to be honest. I was so enthusiastic about all of this in the beginning and now it seems like I'm getting tired of it.

I feel so guilty feeling this way because I know this is an opportunity that I shouldn't pass up and that I should work harder because of the perks I'm getting. These should be empowering me, and not weighing me down. It used to, but I don't know what happened. Maybe I got burned out? Or is it the forever reason, "I lost focus." just like what my grandmother would say?

I am not really sure, but I would need to go back to wherever my zen zone was before all this mess. I have to regain control of myself.

Too much blabbing. Going back to my original topic...

August Priority Goal: Finish Acads strong
August Secondary Goal: Blog daily
August Mini Goal: Makeover

1. Haircut
Because my hair is being quite unmanageable. I've reached my desired hair length and I'm back to my original hair color, I just want the bleached part of my hair to grow out completely so that I can bleach it again (hehe, I miss my colorful hair). I'll maybe get a trim, some bands and treatment, maybe?

2. Derma Facial
I have not being taking care of myself at all these past few months, I have rarely touched my makeup, skincare and nice clothes that so much gunk has built up on my face. I'm even having pimples again! And instead of trying to heal it like before, I just don't give a damn. Even my daily routine is shit, I literally just shampoo-conditioner-soap done. I have not touched my moisturizer for weeks and that's really really crazy. My future wrinkly self will be flipping me off for this. But I've been keeping up my end with water intake though, so I hope I won't be that far off with the moisture thingy.

3. Mani/Pedi/Footspa/Body Scrub
As I've mentioned earlier, I've just been treating my body like junk for so long that I actually feel like junk. So I think I need some filing down and peeling the outer layer off to reveal a fresh new me. Chareng!

Still a lot of blab, but at least I was on topic?

I'm going to cut this here, because this has been wayyyy too long. I'll just post the other in depth goals on the start of the incoming months?

We'll see.
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Three days into this blogging challenge and I've already hit a writer's block. I'm so rusty when it comes to writing..

As of the moment, I'm very very sleepy. I went to bed late and got up early.. and not to mention that my day is very unproductive.. Seems like all I do is sleep and work. Sleep and work. Occasional classes here and there. But outside that, nothing.

I miss painting, singing, going out with friends, exploring hidden places and being in nature. I miss doing something else besides work.

this is what my “studio” looked like back home



I miss modelling!



But I guess I can't be choosy right now huh?

I need to work because I have been fully independent since I was 19. Kind of not a big deal for some, but here in the Philippines (and in my little secluded probinsya), it is a huge deal. My situation right now is something to gossip about.

Why?

Mostly because I'm from the kind of family that puts a great amount of emphasis on education, awards and following the ideal path. You know, study hard, graduate with honors, get a well-paying job, marry, have kids, etc. The typical Asian route.

And then there's me, who got the order mixed up.

I would call myself the black sheep of the family (or the one who manifests the underlying family issues) because I feel like everyone placed all their bets on me, provided me with everything I needed and I just went to the road less traveled. I mean, I'm 21. I should've had my degree and gearing up to take my liscensure exam, but here I am.

3 dropped courses, taking up another one with high chances of failing, in debt and working my ass off to no avail.

I feel like such a failure, but I know where I am right now is my choice and my salvation. If I didn't make those choices previously, I would have been the perfect daughter right now, but I would also be miserable and way worse than I am right now. I would have a degree, but a degree that I would have zero passion about. I would have been preparing for a liscensure exam that I would have no use of or maybe not preparing for it at all. I would've hustled to get a degree that would just gather dust on our wall. Then after graduation, what? PMA? Pahinga muna anak?

Or maybe I wouldn't even have reached that point.

Or maybe I would've carved a very different future for myself. One that sounds way more glamorous than what I have right now, but also way more dangerous. And destructive.

So many possibilities, but no regrets. I know I'm right here, right now, for a purpose, and He has a bigger plan for me. I just need to figure it out.

Hmm. This post doesn't seem like a life update an at all, so let me dish those details out real quick.

I'm still working at the same place, taking up the same course and planning to take a break next semester.. Depending on the subjects that will be offered. I was too burnt out by the second semester that it affected my third semester and I have literally zero energy to finish my tasks. How shameful right? I'm wasting money with what I'm doing. I'm wasting my own hard earned money, and that hurts. A lot.

So I guess this is where I'm starting? Little Lost Me, with a Big Confidence Lost, in a huge corporate world? I don't even know if I make sense right now.

Basta, whatever happens I'm pushing through all this and I will exceed all expectations!
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First time to ever use sound effects! I'm slowly learning things and applying techniques I'm been reading about! Let's see where this goes ~ :)

- Nessa :*

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You can find me on the following social media platforms;
Instagram: @czyphr
Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/nessaforever or http://www.facebook.com/czyphr
Youtube: http://www.youtube.com/JanessaPablo
Tumblr: tumblr.com/czyphrproductions
Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/czyphr
Blog: http://www.janessapablo.wordpress.com

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• Track Info:

Title: Free Your Soul
Artist: Elexive
Genre: Dance & Electronic
Mood: Bright
Download: https://goo.gl/Q9Lk03

–––

• Licence:

You’re free to use this song in any of your videos, but you must include the following in your video description:
Elexive - Free Your Soul by Elexive https://soundcloud.com/elexive
Creative Commons — Attribution 3.0 Unported— CC BY 3.0
http://creativecommons.org/licenses/b...

–––

• Optional support (Thanks)

Please provide the following in the description of your upload:
Free Your Soul - Elexive: https://youtu.be/YU0HPthRpTs
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And here's me spending my weekend at my hometown with my beloved family!

Everyone will leave you except your kin -- by blood or by soul. :*

- Nessa :*

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You can find me on the following social media platforms;
Instagram: @czyphr
Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/nessaforever or http://www.facebook.com/czyphr
Youtube: http://www.youtube.com/JanessaPablo
Tumblr: tumblr.com/czyphrproductions
Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/czyphr
Blog: http://www.janessapablo.wordpress.com

---

Connect with NCS
• http://soundcloud.com/nocopyrightsounds
• http://instagram.com/nocopyrightsounds_
• http://facebook.com/NoCopyrightSounds
• http://twitch.tv/nocopyrightsounds
• http://twitter.com/NCSounds
• http://spoti.fi/NCS

Phantom Sage
• https://www.facebook.com/thefantomoff...
• http://www.youtube.com/phantomsage
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• https://twitter.com/_phantomsage_

Music: Phantom Sage - MIKO [NCS Release]
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Whoop de doo.

Alright. So it's a Monday, and instead of waiting for a #1 on my calendar, I'm just going to start today and try my best to blog everyday again. Hopefully I manage to do so this time.

(Well, I technically did for a month last November, so I hey.)

Well, anyway. Let's just start this yeah?

As of the moment I have zero sleep and will almost be awake for 24 hours. I am also pushing myself to my limits and will be trying my best to vlog everyday, to document my 1st week of 2nd semester, because for the first time ever, we'll be having classes in the University and that's exciting and scary at the same time. I don't know if I'll be able to wake up on time during mornings anymore. And I don't even know what to wear. Seriously. The dress code is "business casual". What the hell is business casual? I don't have that kind of clothes. Gosh.

What else is on my mind...

Ah, we moved floors and I'm missing the soft and bouncy keyboards upstairs. But can't be choosy, I guess. Maybe just try and find a new place tomorrow.
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