Showing posts with label Life 2016. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Life 2016. Show all posts
Sometimes, I wonder why.

I wonder why I didn't think of her feelings when I bullied her. She was there for me all my life and yet I chose the wrong crowd and turned against my own best friend.

Sometimes I wonder why.

I wonder why I skipped classes just so I can be accepted and thought to cool enough, but also called other names I'd rather not say out loud.

Sometimes I wonder why.

I wonder why I stopped strumming the strings, pounding the keys and singing my heart out. I wonder why I chose to stay up late at night with my cool friends and drown myself with liquor, with the bonus of smoke suffocation. I wonder why i allowed myself to get drunk and wasted just so i can boast of a hangover the next day in class and boast of all the bar hopping and house parties I went to, all without parental permission and spending my tuition money.

Sometimes I wonder why I said yes.

I knew you were trouble but I jumped with you anyway. I wonder why I didn't heed the red flags everyone was waving in my face. I wonder why I didn't run the other way when I caught you cheating a week into our official relationship. I wonder why I didn't leave when i started to get bruises and being paranoid and scared of loud and shouting voices. I wonder why i never said anything when people asked if was okay and that they noticed me changing. I wonder why I chose to starve myself because I deemed myself to the too fat and too big and that I'm taking up too much space.

Sometimes I wonder why.

I wonder why I picked up the phone after crying my heart out, and that single moment kept me alive until the ambulance came. I wonder why I was saved even though i wanted out. I wonder why I'm given a second chance to get everything right and yet here i am not even able figure out what I want to do with my life.
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Sometimes I wish I stayed, but leaving gave me a reason to breathe.

I was browsing some Facebook a few moments, and came upon the pages of my old friends. Old, and not ex, because really, there's no bad blood between us. Just a lot of misunderstanding and miscommunication that was mostly due to me. Now I realize how much of a shitty friend I was and I wish someone called me out and guided me. Then again, stubborn me won't listen till I've learned things the hard way.

Anyway. So I was looking through their photos and posts, etc, and I saw how many moments I could've shared with them. I could've been part of an actual barkada, or had a solid group of college friends, but I guess that's not meant to be. Either I inherited my father's "loner" side or I just can't support long term friendships. I always have to make a mistake or do something wrong or offend someone and be too shy to admit my mistake which leads to a gap and a falling through.

To be honest, I don't see myself as a loner type of person. I mean, yeah I enjoy my alone time, but that's about it. I still enjoy time with friends and meeting new people and being there for them. I see myself as an open book, sharing my experiences and giving advice and showing my true self. Bubbly, as my ex-stepmother once said. Friendly would be what my grandmother would call me. Dependable, my teachers would say. Actively engaged is how my TL's would describe me. Confident, my friends and peers' first word for me.

And yet.

And yet, even after all those faces and personalities and so-called friendships, why is it that when the time comes, I can only call on God to listen to my deepest and darkest fears and my 2AM thoughts? Why can't I bring myself to call my bestfriends of 14++ years and talk about my insecurities? Why do I always keep the bad stuff from my family's ears? Why can't I cry my heart out in front of my boyfriend?

Why can't I let my hair down and bare myself naked -- truly naked to a fellow human being?

I don't really know.

All I know is that I have to be perfect all the time. Be happy all the time. Be accomplished. Be successful. Smile during the worst days of my life. Be a prim and perfect girl. Is that who I am? Or am I the feminist that I claim to be?

All I'm sure of is that something snapped in me a long time ago. Something got slashed away from me, which led to my inability to make a long term relationship.

Was it when I lost contact with my sister? When I was calling my grandmother everyday through a payphone because I was so scared and homesick that I would just cry then and there? When my father threw my childhood relics in front of me and disowned me? When puberty hit me like a motherfucking train and left me with scraps of my childhood?

Remembering those feels like reopening wounds that are not fully healed. Not sure if that makes sense, but let's go with it.

Reopening those wounds are not pleasant, so I'll just end this here.
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(What now bestfriend?/Your move, bestfriend!)

So. It's December and I'm not posting anything because I failed my November blog challenge. I wasn't able to post everyday. And so I'm postponing my serious blogging till 2017. Maybe do a bit of warm up for the 12 days before Christmas.

To be honest, I really just don't know what to fucking post. I feel so all over place that I don't know what to do. Or where to start. (or maybe this is just the energy drink talking)

Everytime I watch youtube videos, I get so inspired to make my own videos but when i try to make my own, all hell breaks loose. i try and rehearse and goes perfect, but when I start recording, nothing happens. I just --doe in the headlights. Awkward and mumbling baby.

Or maybe it's just the perfectionist in me that hates, hates, hates putting out something with flaws.

IDK really.

See. Even this post is all over the place. *sigh*
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Whew. The past few weeks have been pretty damn hectic and sleepless and just plain filled to the brim that I just couldn't find the time to post. Thank goodness I played around with scheduled posts and stuff and so my blog wasn't entirely dead the whole week.

You see, we have company parties maybe 2-3 times a year and I always make it a point to attend and participate, especially with the contests. So far I have joined the modelling and the dance competition twice. Just for kicks and not really for the cash or anything. I have won once for the modelling and for the dance competition, we won 2nd place last time and then 3rd this time. I don't know where to find photos of the previous events, but here are some snaps from the event.

The theme was 1,2,3, Glow! Black Light Party. It was my first time to attend a party like that and the experience was amazing! It was held in The Palace Pool Club in BGC and it was perfect! We were allowed to use the pool but we decided not to as it too cold (and we didn't have any swimsuits -- we can only use the pool with proper attire).

This is definitely one of those unforgettable moments that makes me glad to be a part of my company. We work hard and play hard!

Next Rec Event, I'll be there not as a contestant, but as a Top Performer Awardee as well. :)















P.S. Yes, I know, kind of a shitty post. Better posts coming soon! <3

P.P.S. I'll try and recreate my look as well and post it here. :)
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Hi, I’m Janessa, 20 and I want to live a life worth living again.

So that you can get to know me a little bit better, and beat my deadline of everyday blogging, I listed down 25 facts.. well, about me. :D
- I am an only child. But I have two sisters and two brothers. (Go figure.)
- I have 3 first names and I like to associate my moods to them. Janessa is the go getter happy-go-lucky and cheerful side of me, Anne is a quiet, anxious, kind and eager to please everyone, and Louise is my bitch side.
- I was a print and ramp model for two years. I went on a hiatus to study and pursue other passions.
- I have been in nine schools in the eighteen years that I have been in school.
- I did my own makeup for my Prom and that started my love for the art.
- My bestfriends have been my bestfriends for more than 14 years.
- I originally wanted to be a film director, but fate led me to being a teacher.
- I am totally cool with same sex relationships, marriages, etc.
- My first language was English.
- I know how to play the guitar, piano and flute, and compose my own songs.
- My music taste is very erratic, and can change my mood in a second.
- I was a theatre actress in one of my schools and have performed on stage and have worked behind the scenes, which awakened my love of directing.
- I am a frustrated dancer, but I would love to learn how to dance.
- I’m scared of dogs (not so much now, because I had to overcome that because my cousin was imitating that fear, and to make him stop being scared I have to stop being scared).
- Once I overcame my fear of dogs, I became fearless. Literally.
- I am very very impulsive. Impulsive trips, shopping, etc. The only way to stop me is if I literally stop and wait for at least ten minutes. If I still have the impulse but I feel like it’s kinda unsure about it, I wait another 10 minutes until it goes away.
- I’d rather watch Youtube than TV.
- On the same note, I rely on the internet for news.
- I haven’t had short hair in almost 8 years, but I plan to shave all of my hair off and give it to charity after I graduate.
- My goals are tagged #Before25 because I want to be financially independent by that time.
- I have to constantly drink water throughout the day, or else I get hungry even though I have just eaten.
- My home town is San Miguel Bulacan, home of the best Pastillas ever. Totally unbiased, but nothing can beat Pastillas made in my hometown.
- My ultimate goal is to have Czyphr trademarked.
- I love the crown for some reason, but more or less because I grew with the quote "I am a princess because my Father is the King of Kings.".
- I’d rather spend on books than anything else.

And those are my 25 Facts About Me! :)

I try and post every day, and then when I finally get my Youtube channel up, this blog and that channel with be intertwined very much.

If you have any questions, requests, or if we have something in similar, please comment below! :)

Janessa ♛
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