Showing posts with label Life 2016. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Life 2016. Show all posts
Sometimes, I wonder why.

I wonder why I didn't think of her feelings when I bullied her. She was there for me all my life and yet I chose the wrong crowd and turned against my own best friend.

Sometimes I wonder why.

I wonder why I skipped classes just so I can be accepted and thought to cool enough, but also called other names I'd rather not say out loud.

Sometimes I wonder why.

I wonder why I stopped strumming the strings, pounding the keys and singing my heart out. I wonder why I chose to stay up late at night with my cool friends and drown myself with liquor, with the bonus of smoke suffocation. I wonder why i allowed myself to get drunk and wasted just so i can boast of a hangover the next day in class and boast of all the bar hopping and house parties I went to, all without parental permission and spending my tuition money.

Sometimes I wonder why I said yes.

I knew you were trouble but I jumped with you anyway. I wonder why I didn't heed the red flags everyone was waving in my face. I wonder why I didn't run the other way when I caught you cheating a week into our official relationship. I wonder why I didn't leave when i started to get bruises and being paranoid and scared of loud and shouting voices. I wonder why i never said anything when people asked if was okay and that they noticed me changing. I wonder why I chose to starve myself because I deemed myself to the too fat and too big and that I'm taking up too much space.

Sometimes I wonder why.

I wonder why I picked up the phone after crying my heart out, and that single moment kept me alive until the ambulance came. I wonder why I was saved even though i wanted out. I wonder why I'm given a second chance to get everything right and yet here i am not even able figure out what I want to do with my life.
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Sometimes I wish I stayed, but leaving gave me a reason to breathe.

I was browsing some Facebook a few moments, and came upon the pages of my old friends. Old, and not ex, because really, there's no bad blood between us. Just a lot of misunderstanding and miscommunication that was mostly due to me. Now I realize how much of a shitty friend I was and I wish someone called me out and guided me. Then again, stubborn me won't listen till I've learned things the hard way.

Anyway. So I was looking through their photos and posts, etc, and I saw how many moments I could've shared with them. I could've been part of an actual barkada, or had a solid group of college friends, but I guess that's not meant to be. Either I inherited my father's "loner" side or I just can't support long term friendships. I always have to make a mistake or do something wrong or offend someone and be too shy to admit my mistake which leads to a gap and a falling through.

To be honest, I don't see myself as a loner type of person. I mean, yeah I enjoy my alone time, but that's about it. I still enjoy time with friends and meeting new people and being there for them. I see myself as an open book, sharing my experiences and giving advice and showing my true self. Bubbly, as my ex-stepmother once said. Friendly would be what my grandmother would call me. Dependable, my teachers would say. Actively engaged is how my TL's would describe me. Confident, my friends and peers' first word for me.

And yet.

And yet, even after all those faces and personalities and so-called friendships, why is it that when the time comes, I can only call on God to listen to my deepest and darkest fears and my 2AM thoughts? Why can't I bring myself to call my bestfriends of 14++ years and talk about my insecurities? Why do I always keep the bad stuff from my family's ears? Why can't I cry my heart out in front of my boyfriend?

Why can't I let my hair down and bare myself naked -- truly naked to a fellow human being?

I don't really know.

All I know is that I have to be perfect all the time. Be happy all the time. Be accomplished. Be successful. Smile during the worst days of my life. Be a prim and perfect girl. Is that who I am? Or am I the feminist that I claim to be?

All I'm sure of is that something snapped in me a long time ago. Something got slashed away from me, which led to my inability to make a long term relationship.

Was it when I lost contact with my sister? When I was calling my grandmother everyday through a payphone because I was so scared and homesick that I would just cry then and there? When my father threw my childhood relics in front of me and disowned me? When puberty hit me like a motherfucking train and left me with scraps of my childhood?

Remembering those feels like reopening wounds that are not fully healed. Not sure if that makes sense, but let's go with it.

Reopening those wounds are not pleasant, so I'll just end this here.
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(What now bestfriend?/Your move, bestfriend!)

So. It's December and I'm not posting anything because I failed my November blog challenge. I wasn't able to post everyday. And so I'm postponing my serious blogging till 2017. Maybe do a bit of warm up for the 12 days before Christmas.

To be honest, I really just don't know what to fucking post. I feel so all over place that I don't know what to do. Or where to start. (or maybe this is just the energy drink talking)

Everytime I watch youtube videos, I get so inspired to make my own videos but when i try to make my own, all hell breaks loose. i try and rehearse and goes perfect, but when I start recording, nothing happens. I just --doe in the headlights. Awkward and mumbling baby.

Or maybe it's just the perfectionist in me that hates, hates, hates putting out something with flaws.

IDK really.

See. Even this post is all over the place. *sigh*
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Whew. The past few weeks have been pretty damn hectic and sleepless and just plain filled to the brim that I just couldn't find the time to post. Thank goodness I played around with scheduled posts and stuff and so my blog wasn't entirely dead the whole week.

You see, we have company parties maybe 2-3 times a year and I always make it a point to attend and participate, especially with the contests. So far I have joined the modelling and the dance competition twice. Just for kicks and not really for the cash or anything. I have won once for the modelling and for the dance competition, we won 2nd place last time and then 3rd this time. I don't know where to find photos of the previous events, but here are some snaps from the event.

The theme was 1,2,3, Glow! Black Light Party. It was my first time to attend a party like that and the experience was amazing! It was held in The Palace Pool Club in BGC and it was perfect! We were allowed to use the pool but we decided not to as it too cold (and we didn't have any swimsuits -- we can only use the pool with proper attire).

This is definitely one of those unforgettable moments that makes me glad to be a part of my company. We work hard and play hard!

Next Rec Event, I'll be there not as a contestant, but as a Top Performer Awardee as well. :)















P.S. Yes, I know, kind of a shitty post. Better posts coming soon! <3

P.P.S. I'll try and recreate my look as well and post it here. :)
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Hi, I’m Janessa, 20 and I want to live a life worth living again.

So that you can get to know me a little bit better, and beat my deadline of everyday blogging, I listed down 25 facts.. well, about me. :D
- I am an only child. But I have two sisters and two brothers. (Go figure.)
- I have 3 first names and I like to associate my moods to them. Janessa is the go getter happy-go-lucky and cheerful side of me, Anne is a quiet, anxious, kind and eager to please everyone, and Louise is my bitch side.
- I was a print and ramp model for two years. I went on a hiatus to study and pursue other passions.
- I have been in nine schools in the eighteen years that I have been in school.
- I did my own makeup for my Prom and that started my love for the art.
- My bestfriends have been my bestfriends for more than 14 years.
- I originally wanted to be a film director, but fate led me to being a teacher.
- I am totally cool with same sex relationships, marriages, etc.
- My first language was English.
- I know how to play the guitar, piano and flute, and compose my own songs.
- My music taste is very erratic, and can change my mood in a second.
- I was a theatre actress in one of my schools and have performed on stage and have worked behind the scenes, which awakened my love of directing.
- I am a frustrated dancer, but I would love to learn how to dance.
- I’m scared of dogs (not so much now, because I had to overcome that because my cousin was imitating that fear, and to make him stop being scared I have to stop being scared).
- Once I overcame my fear of dogs, I became fearless. Literally.
- I am very very impulsive. Impulsive trips, shopping, etc. The only way to stop me is if I literally stop and wait for at least ten minutes. If I still have the impulse but I feel like it’s kinda unsure about it, I wait another 10 minutes until it goes away.
- I’d rather watch Youtube than TV.
- On the same note, I rely on the internet for news.
- I haven’t had short hair in almost 8 years, but I plan to shave all of my hair off and give it to charity after I graduate.
- My goals are tagged #Before25 because I want to be financially independent by that time.
- I have to constantly drink water throughout the day, or else I get hungry even though I have just eaten.
- My home town is San Miguel Bulacan, home of the best Pastillas ever. Totally unbiased, but nothing can beat Pastillas made in my hometown.
- My ultimate goal is to have Czyphr trademarked.
- I love the crown for some reason, but more or less because I grew with the quote "I am a princess because my Father is the King of Kings.".
- I’d rather spend on books than anything else.

And those are my 25 Facts About Me! :)

I try and post every day, and then when I finally get my Youtube channel up, this blog and that channel with be intertwined very much.

If you have any questions, requests, or if we have something in similar, please comment below! :)

Janessa ♛
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For those not familiar with Philippine Teleseryes (TV Series), I just uttered an Enchan swear word, which means "Animal!". This is what (mostly) adult diwata and encantados (fairies) say when things don't go their way. In Filipino, this translates to "Hayop/Hayop ka!" (You're an animal) which is mostly an expression that means you're not acting like a human or an encantado. The teleserye that I'm talking about is Encantadia, the most ambitious telefantasya (a genre of TV series that deals with fantasy worlds) to date. It was so successful that it had two sequels and a requel. It also has a movie crossover. I'll just link the Encantadia Wikipedia page  if you're interested -- I can go on and on about this an be as biased as I can be.

I am saying this because, Pashnea! Adnes nesa aduwa iva? (Animal! What is the meaning of this?!) The requel (retelling sequel) is totally diverging from the original story line! I have been warned this will happen, but goodness gracious I never expected this much deviation! So far I am enjoying all the new twists and turns, but damn, sometimes my canon heart breaks with every "canon mistake" they make. You see, I grew up watching Encantadia. This is probably the Filipino equivalent of Harry Potter for me. I remember watching it when I was in Grade 2 or 3, and fighting with my parents because I am not allowed to watch it since it was past my bedtime (I eventually won, and my bedtime was moved after the time slot. That was how much I fought for it). I remember role-playing with my friends and fiercely defending it to whoever says anything negative about it. I even re-watched the original series in less than week when I got hospitalized. I'm currently downloading all the series and plan to have a marathon, because, Encantadia.

Halfway through 2016, GMA announced that there will be a remake. I was ecstatic -- I was grinning and telling it to all my friends, even contacting old friends and sharing the news -- Encantadia is back! Ivo live Encantadia! (Long live Encantadia!). The new Sangg'res (Royalty) were announced, along with the rest of the characters -- I was not too pleased with the cast, but they have all proven themselves worthy of their positions.

Encantadia 2016 started out smoothly -- the narration and explanation greatly improved and the special effects definitely upgraded. I did have a few issues with the Diwani (little Sangg're) cast, they didn't have the "Sanggre look" unlike the original Diwani cast, but upon checking their actor profiles and seeing them act, they got my approval (not posting the kids' photos here, please don't be like me and judge by appearance. Try watching them instead). They were indeed cast for a reason. The rest of the episodes kind of felt rushed, but still very well explained and fleshed out. My canon heart was pretty pleased with what was happening -- they were following the original story line and then introducing more details and insights to the back stories and history of the fantasy world. There were slight deviations, but nothing my canon heart couldn't handle.

However, after Pirena's capture of Lireo, I felt like I was the one dethroned of being a fan. So much new twists and turns and new characters and holy shit I didn't even know what would happen next. It still followed the original timeline, but very loosely. My canon heart is so broken I don't know if it can still survive the next episodes. Or maybe I'll just keep it in it's velvet box and grow a new canon heart for Encantadia 2016. It's safe to say that it's a whole new world.

I have so much more to say regarding the whole series, but I feel like I'd like to make a whole new post about it. Maybe a reaction post from the first episode, or for every week, or a general review of the series. I don't really know, but I'll have to work on it the soonest possible time. I'm already four months and 90 episodes behind.

On the plus side, this will be a very busy blog from now on. :D

Disclaimer: All photos grabbed from the official Encantadia Instagram page (@gmaencantadia).

P.S. I definitely feel like I outdid myself on this blog post. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated!
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Since it seems that I am not going to be released from my MCN even though I have not been uploading videos or even using my account, I have decided to close my channel and just start anew. This means I also have to go through 999 subscriptions and 300+ videos on my account. So much hassle!

Two years ago I sincerely believed that connecting with an MCN would help me a lot, but it turns out that's all BS. I didn't get the help or attention or exposure I needed and just ended up getting burned out. Fast forward to now, I filed an unlink request on October 21st, well within their 30 days before contract renew, and when I checked it earlier, lo and behold, it reset. This has happened twice and now I'm out of the 30 day period to cancel renewal and I am not dealing with them for another two years. I'll just cancel my account and start anew and forget this ever happened.

I don't want to be affiliated with an MCN anymore, I'll just figure out everything along the way, thank you very much. Or maybe be patient enough to wait and be offered partnership rather than going with the MCN easiest to be partnered with.

The main reason why I wanted to be with an MCN before is because of all the glitz and glamour they show, but I guess that's only for the big guns. For us tiny ones, nah. Forget about it. You're just another feeder in the cell. So I decided to stop making videos and wait for the 2 year contract to finish. As mentioned above, I got ignored, and so I'm just going to start fresh. It's seriously, absolutely annoying. I would have to finish this by Saturday, when I'll be able to have unlimited access to the internet. I guess the good thing is that I can sort through all of these and avoid having my feed spammed.

Think positive. I have done this with my Instagram, I sure as hell can do this on my Youtube.

- Update: Currently still on the A's of my subscriptions. Ah Lord, give me patience! :3
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I just want to collate all my thoughts regarding my future plans, and add a few more that I can think off.

When I turn 21, I want to get my own credit card and start building a good credit history. I also want to start having a legit savings account and take advantage of the auto-save feature of my bank. I also want to get a new phone because although my phone is well-loved, it's too glitchy and I need to upgrade to a phone that will cater to my needs as a blogger. Speaking of blogging, I should also have my uploading schedule (planning on a twice a month upload for youtube and blog posts). I also want to be able to schedule a monthly photoshoot for my OOTD's and glam shots. Because why not? Routine wise, I should have a workout routine and just continue my Korean Skincare Routine.

By the time I turn 22, I should have doubled by credit limit and and be able to travel as this is my designated travel year. I want to go to the following places;

Boracay, because I have never ever been there and it's always hyped and I know more or less I'll regret it because I'm not really a beach baby but hey, whatever.

Batanes, because, hype. Also, I've seen the place, and damn, for a small island, it's very very pretty. Like, #TravelGoals pretty.

Olongapo and Cebu, because I want to revisit those places.

Another one on my list is Palawan.

For international travel, I want to visit the UK and maybe Japan as well. :)

Add another year and I'll be 23. I want to have my own place, like I actually own it. Maybe a condo, or an actual house. IDK. This is where my credit card will come in handy, in showing that I can pay and I can be trusted to pay on time. My goal is a unit with two rooms, one for the bedroom and another room for the entertainment room/office/studio. Then the main living area which will the be typical receiving room, then dining and kitchen room. Of course, the bathroom is a none negotiable. Philippine condo units typically don't have laundry rooms and frankly I don't feel the need for one since I can just do it in the bathroom. I'll dedicate this year to building my home. In the future when I settle down in the province, I will just put the unit for lease so that I can still have extra income. When my kids are of age, they will inherit the unit.

24. I'm not really sure, but by this time I should be financially stable, like, I can quit my job stable. I just want to be at ease during this year and maybe purchase a car? I'm not really sure. 24 is a vague year for me.

Now, 25 is a different story. This is the year when I foresee myself as a degree holder and be eligible for marriage. Then I can just be a housewife and just chill. Just kidding. I know for myself that I won't stop working until I get pregnant. That's when I'll quit an office job and focus on being a mother and a wife. That's why I wanted to achieve all my personal goals before I reach 25.

So there! I've finished this post finally! Just in time :D
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11/9

I forgot to blog yesterday.

Forgive me, I was too sleepy and my brain was all fuzzy that I just wanted to get the over with and sleep at home. But I'm refreshed, and I want to make it up with a (hopefully) lengthy post.

Let's talk about how I see myself in the future. how I visualize myself and where I'll be.

I see myself as a successful influencer in a few years, attending events and inspiring people, providing them hope and proving to them that the impossible can be done. I also see myself with a college degree, my own house, car and engaged, maybe married.

Hmm. Maybe doing this every year instead? I think that would be best.

Okay. So currently 20 years old. Let's start setting goals and action plans.

21
Auto-Save - By the start of the year I should have auto-save (750) every time money rolls into my payroll account
Credit Card - I want to start building a good credit history, so that I can have something to back me up when I buy my own house (or build it, depends). To do so, I would use the InstaCard option of BPI for it, which would also help me have a proper personal savings account. The credit card would be used for my weekly groceries and maybe a few splurges here and there.
New Phone - my phone is almost 3 years old and is very well loved although glitchy as heck. It's about time I upgrade and I also need one that has a better quality camera and memory space. To do so, I can use my savings to buy one and have it as my personal birthday gift.
Upload Schedule - I should have a pretty solid YT upload schedule by now. Twice a month shouldn't be too hard, with the quarterly favorites video. Same with blog posts, unless it's a personal post and uploaded through my phone. As for the IG and FB posts, well, I'm constantly there anyway. Maybe add in a monthly photoshoot for OOTD and glamour shots.
Fixed Routine - I should be able to workout at least once a week, and continue my Korean Skincare Routine.

By the year ends, I should have enough to double my credit card limit and semi furnish my apartment.

22
Travel - I should have traveled out of town on my own, and have gone to places I have never been before. If I can travel out of the country, be all means go!

---

11/11


So I can't access my wordpress anymore and I'm not really sure how to post there again, but yeah. I'll just compile those posts I missed there I guess.

I missed yesterday's blog but I'm not giving up and keep on making up for those posts I miss.

Let me just continue my previous blog I guess, since I ran out of time and cut it short.

So.

22.

As mentioned, I want this to be my travel year, and I have a few places in mind that I wanna got to.

I want to go to Boracay, because I have never ever been there and it's always hyped and I know I'll more or less regret it because I'm not really a beach but hey, whatever.

I also want to go to Batanes, because, hype. Also, I've seen the place, and damn, for a small island, it's very very pretty. Like, #TravelGoals pretty.

Another place I want to go to is Olongapo. I had a short stint there and I feel a certain affinity because that's the place where I lost a part of me. I think that's where I lost my childhood, you know? Where I lost my innocence. That was the place where I changed and entered the cocoon of puberty. Pumangit ako dun, damn it.

Oh, and I also lost the power of making long time friends there. I think. Or maybe I'm  just incompetent with making friends. LOL

I also want to go back to Cebu because I don't remember the place anymore and I want to refresh myself.

Oh, and Palawan to! Coz it's a Corrigimentio (idk how to spell it) and I just approve of it's rebelliousness waaaaay back.

For international travel, I want to go to UK of course, visit all the Harry Potter locations and all that shit. Maybe the Tudor places as well.



11/12


So I finally finished my laundry earlier and sacrificed a few of my sleep hours. Don't even remember if I locked my bathroom door. Oh well. I'll be back by Monday, so I hope everything is fine.

I've been thinking of blogging in Filipino as well, but I'm not sure how that'll actually work.. maybe when I'm in the mood. Right now i'm in the mood to talk in English :)

Right now I'm just chilling and waiting for my shift to end so that I can finally visit my hometown (and have unlimited internet).

Lost my train of thought...
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We got back together "officially" on the 12th. Although I guess our breakup is a fuzzy one. I don't know. I'm confused. Or maybe it's because I'm just feeling really low today.

You see, it's been one of of our primary issues even when we were a new couple. I'm the type of girl who wants to meet the family and and make myself known to them. It gives me a sense of pride and security to know that someone is actually that proud to bring me home and introduce me to the family. And maybe because that's also one of my non-negotiables on my side. That the guy has to have the courage to meet my family even before the assurance of me saying yes. The old school way of courtship. That was how I was brought up.

Anyway.

Two years into this one and I have yet to see his side of the family. I know it's quite far away and I don't think it's right to stay overnight there while we're still in the bf/gf stage, but I'm getting kind of impatient.

I guess it just kind of messes up with my head that I'm not worthy or that he's ashamed of me or I have done something wrong. Or maybe his family doesn't like me. Or that he already have someone else over there that he's not telling me. Maybe I'm just a pastime here or maybe he's just using me. I don't know. So many thoughts in my mind and it's eating me from the inside out. It's not a good feeling. I have convinced myself earlier that it's because of the distance, of the time, of the schedule. or maybe it's because he wanted to be sure that nothing bad can be said once he introduces me. But why can't even I get a decent answer even with setting a plan? Why can't we try and foresee that part? We've already dreamed up of baby names, future travel destinations, house layouts, wedding, etc.. but why not meeting his family? I think that's what fucks me up more because it seems like there's no plan at all for me to meet the parents or anyone else on his side for that matter. That this relationship will only stay here and remain here. That I'm only being used and that I'm just a bitch to call when he's bored or wants company. That I'm nothing but a side chick. An escort. A whatever a girl is called when she's just called on when the guy is bored. A non-priority.

It makes me sad. Really sad. And insecure. Really, really insecure. It gnaws on me and it feels really hollow where my heart and stomach should be. It makes me question every single thing I said or did. What I do or say. If it's right or wrong or proper or improper. It fucks me up so bad but I can't say anything because I feel like I'm just nagging him and he's getting annoyed and that I'm just ruining the mood.

So I don't speak up about it at all. I just let it eat me alive and shut up. I just deal with it on my own and try to enjoy the moment at least. Try to enjoy it while it lasts because I sincerely feel like one day it will end and I'll be left behind again. I also try and keep a little something for myself. Hold back a bit and not give me all since there's no assurance of everything being reciprocated.

I guess I'm on my lowest low right now huh? This post is just so depressed and the opposite of what I was feeling the past few days. I guess that's my mood swings for you. Maybe there's really something wrong with, I don't know.

I'll just try and make it through today. Que sera sera.
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Okay. Hold up, I didn't miss a day. i just forgot that i don't have internet connection at home, nor do I have the blogging app on my phone. Also, it was my restday yesterday, so that's that.

Anyway, I am officially single for a day. Not sure if this will last, or if we will get this fixed in the future. We're supposed to talk on Tuesday, and we'll see what happens from there. We're on good terms though. I told my grandmother what has happened, mainly because she asked. She took it well, and I guess it's because she feels like I'm okay, which I am.

My Saturday was so and so. I didn't really have any desire to eat, and I just watched the Harry Potter movies over and over again. Sunday.. I did some chores and did the laundry. Now, I'm on overtime because I'm a broke girl and I need some cash :3

That's my lame excuse for a blog for the weekend. :/
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To be honest, I'm really demotivated to make a post, but I figured this is the exact time to make a post.

If that made sense.

It's just that I'm disappointed. Mad. Hurt. Sad. Like always.  I think I need to unplug, you know? I'm tempted to repeat 10/07/13 but why should I? That would only end everything, and to be honest I don't want it to end. I want to feel every stab and slash and bullet life throws at me and still hope that I can get over everything. That I can move on somehow.

Because the sad part is I'm feeling the need to move on even without anything ending. Like how it was with X, Jaren and Mabs.

For X, it was the complete opposite.  Short the "official" part of that one may be, but it helped in a way. He was at least 9-10 years older, if I remember correctly. We were in the same church group and just grew closer than the other people. Granted, I had a bit of crush on him, and I think he capitalized on that. Nevertheless, I was too young to be in a relationship and was terrified of getting caught, and so that ended after 12 days. I also got banned by my elders to attend further youth group meetings (I think someone tattled on me) and never saw him again. I was more pissed with not being able to attend meetings than breaking up so I guess that explains how I felt about that relationship. He's married now.

For Jaren it was getting a haircut when I realized that I was never going to match his bestfriend. That I won't be enough or that I have nothing against someone who is always with him. And so that ended a few days after Christmas. When it did though, that's when I was shocked to know that I didn't feel anything. Turns out what we had was something more of friendship. Platonic even. I was two years older than him and it was more of being an ate than a girlfriend. More of having someone to talk to rather than waiting for others to talk to us. Something to hold me and keep me coming back to memories of that grassy oval, laying on the grass side by side after hours and dreaming of what the unknown future will bring. We didn't even share a kiss. Just a simple peck on the cheek when we're parting ways. After the breakup, we became friends. He made a move towards his bestfriend, and I started seeing someone else.

Now Mabs, this is one relationship that if I could undo, I would. So much promise, but it was like a funeral. Peaceful outside but full of decay inside. He was the first guy to actually try and woo me. Other college guys who did backed out when I told them that they have to meet my family first. But Mabs, he did. Although he and my grandmother had a few issues, he visited and told them that he had plans of courting me. He would fetch me for a date and accompany me home, without missing a deadline or curfew. He would even randomly visit me in my dorm and we'll have lunch somewhere. He even met my mother's family, which was a first time (and probably the last). He earned the trust of my family and eventually, me. He's not exactly someone with a good reputation. He was a player, a timer, a fuckboy, dare I say. He had strings of girls and flings and fights. And yet, in the year that we were getting to know each other, he seemes to be a completely changed guy. And so I said yes. Now even a month in though, a series of photos were sent to me. He was with another girl. The same girl would become my friend and will be a huge elephant in the room for rest of our replationship. There was also another girl, who even had the nerve to tell me face to face that we were sharing the same guy. And then another who would bully me over facebook using a dummy account and comment on my posts dangling a shameful fact. I was being cheated on. Over and over again. Yet I can't let go. He still made appearances of good faith towards me and my family. Until a day that I'd rather not talk about. Which became a vicious cycle. I finally had the guts to cut him off but he's still in background, watching silently.

I haven't figured out why I have this unlucky streak with guys, but I guess I just wasn't mature enough to handle a relationship back then. Maybe I still am not ready for a relationship. I don't know. But that's my post for today.
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It's a tale as old as time. You never really know a person in a few months of being together. All relationships go through stages, and the most dangerous part is the comfortable stage. This is where all the madness start to creep out. When all the effort fizzles out. When you finally feel that everything and anything you do is okay because.. well.. you're comfortable.

Fights start, tears fall, voices elevate. This stage is the most potent of poisons. Only a few survive, and some don't even get a chance to taste the antidote.

... and I'm breaking. slowly. I'm missing him, piece by piece. I'm scared, and confused and.. I don't know. I don't want to be the one to make the move again.. as always..

But I have to be strong, and stick to what I said. Maybe this will take us out of this zone we have unwittingly entered. I don't want to be a woman in the background. I am not a meek little lady just waiting for a guy to sweep me off my feet. I did try to be like that.. but.. it's just not me.

I am show-off. Pathetic that may sound, but I'm a sucker for attention. I want to be praised. To be recognized. To be known. I don't want to sit in a corner. I want to be in the middle of the room. I need the fuzy feeling that compliments give me. The cozy feeling of knowing that hey, someone's proud of me.

Another thing is that I'm immature. Immature in a way that I am used to getting my way and what I want. I am used to being a priority and having all the eyes on me. I want what I want and I get what I want. If I don't, it's either I completely disconnect and save myself the heartbreak or I get fussy. Just like the infamous fight or flight instinct of every specie in the world. That instinct is quite strong with me. I hope that is understood.

Right now I'm doing my best to stay strong. To not call you and give you peace of mind that I can be manipulated very easily. That I would go begging for you just like before. I've eaten too much of my pride to do that again. My pride is what gets me going. It's a part of me, and constantly trying to wrestle in away from just kills me. It strips me down to my very core and leaves me feeling so vulnerable that I even get scared of what I can do to myself.

I know it's petty. I know what I'm doing is childish. But I don't know how to make you realize how much of myself I have thrown away or hidden just to become your version of perfect. I'm tired of pretending, of trying to change for someone else's approval. I thought changing for you would make you proud of me, but I guess not. Whether I say, stay or strive, nothing happens. And it kills me.

I don't want to die.
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They said my blog is my space to to express myself. And so, here I go.

November 4, 2016. I am steeling myself and making my decision to stop this madness. Just like my previous post, I am going to start and slowly let go. I know I can't do it at once, but I can do it slowly. Little by little, I would have to release everything to the wind. I would have to forget every little thing about us. How he makes me smile, makes me laugh, how he makes me feel in general. I don't know how to do it, but distancing myself seems to be the best solution for now. I would have to learn how to take care of myself, and enjoy the company of myself. I would have to improve myself, and find clarity within my being. Maybe when I find myself, I will be able to make peace with everyone around me. With what's happening around me. Maybe I can accept what I deserve, and not what I think I deserve.

I guess I'll start with making my apartment feel like my apartment and not just a place to sleep and stay when I don't have anywhere else to go. It should be a place for me to relax, to do the things I enjoy. Like painting, drawing, composing music and making Youtube videos. Maybe this is the right time to actually go back to my roots, you know? Rediscover my creativity and spend time with myself rather than waiting for someone else.

Maybe I should go and travel alone. Go to places I have never been to before. Spend more time with my friends. Get to know other people. There's a whole new world out there and nothing's stopping me to discover it. Except myself. And wishing that I can go there with someone by my side. However, that's over just as I have decided. First place to go to in mind, the National Library. I have never been there, and I want to see it for myself. Discover new books to read. Find new favorites. Explore what my country has to offer.

I've started making a few adjustments with how I live my life, such as my skincare routine and improving my diet a bit. Soon enough I'll add in working out and look forward to a whole new me. What I'm most excited about is the change in my skin after trying the Korean Skincare steps. It definitely improved my complexion and I hope I can do it for the rest of my body as well. With my diet, it's nothing serious, just avoiding fast food and softdrinks like before. Seriously and rigorously this time. I might try and just drink water, but that's kind of impossible so maybe little by little I can do it. I also try and just cook at home, but my pantry is stocked with easy to cook foods, and I wish I'll be able to stock my pantry correctly and try different diets like Veganism and Vegetarianism. I hope I can find the best fit for me soon.

I can't think of what else add.. so I guess I'll just cut it here for now.

Strange. I'm cool, but I'm in no mood to talk to anyone. I guess this is the start?
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I almost missed the blog post today. Had a lot of meetings to go to, but that's okay. I'll just try and make a post really quick.

... and I don't know what to post. I don't even know what to say. I just feel down and sad. I don't really know why. I'm just going to post about my skincare regimen I guess.

So I've been trying out the 10-step Korean skincare thingy. the only things that I don't have are the ampoules because those are too pricey for me. The rest I just make do.

Since I tried the Korean Skincare steps, I noticed that I am waking up with a glow. A nice glow, to be honest. I have also been using sheet masks daily and I like the results. Hope I can slowly add in working out too so that I can also have a great body and not just great skin.
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So, November 1st. Should be kind of a bad omen since it's the day of the dead. But then again, why not just imagine it as a day where in the past dies and I'm renewed?

I'm big on these renewal stuff, and I hope I can finally manage to follow through on this one. Kinda sucks to start over and over again.

As a warm up, I'm just going to use this blog post as an update with what's going on with my life.

School:

I am taking up AB Humanities in University of Asia and the Pacific, thanks to a generous scholarship of my company, Telus International Philippines. I'm a freshman (yet again, see how I always seem to start over again and again?).

Since I'm working full-time, we have a very forgiving class schedule -- only three meetings a week, 3 hous each.

My Monday class is Classical Literature, and right now we're studying the Iliad by Homer. Currently on Book 5-6 and boy oh boy, honestly I'm starting to get bored. Not with the story, but with how it's written. I guess the "epic/poem" style really doesn't capture me? No hate please, it's just not my cup of tea. As a workaround for this, however, I either listen to an audiobook or a reading of the chapter or book we're on. Once I get the gist, that's when I try and read the actual Iliad and it doesn't bore me much since I know where it's going already. Reading the text just becomes a formality for me since I need to know how to spell the names and places and feel the characters'. As of the moment, I'm just overwhelmed by all the deaths in the book but then again, it's about war. Against two guys. For a pretty girl. And damn, it's so cliche but I guess that's what interests the population.

My Wednesday class is English 101. Now this is a class I'm doing well in. Hello, this is already my what, 3rd time taking it? The first time, I was over confident because English was on of the strong suits, the second time I passed with flying colors and now I'm retaking it to refresh my memory and prepare myself because according to stories, UA&P's moniker is "School of Term Papers". Even the previous batches are warning us that only Math doesn't have term papers. So, better be armed with the correct  tools and training with regards to academic papers. Not to mention I need all the help I can get in terms of organizing my thoughts.

Last but definitely not the least, my Friday class is Philippine History. Hands down, this is my favorite class. I mean, not to brag or anything, I already have awesome grades for this subject, but I decided to retake it just for the hell of it. That decision definitely paid off, as I am learning so much more about our history in this class. I get to see the world through a historian's eyes (our professor is an actual historian! No, he's not old or dusty like how we imagine historians to be. He's really chill, actually). I also find that in going through the same old history accounts, I find new stuff to ponder on, such as origins of names, legends and other trivial details that look insignificant at first and but actually clear up major questions I have.

Home:

Since school started, I have not been able to go home as often as I used to, since I don't have that much cash to spend anymore. This makes keeping in touch with my elders a bit hard, and right now I can't think of any solutions, just that I need to be able to stick to a schedule more so than before. I would have to try and beat my deadlines so that I can have more time for things -- and people that I love.

Work:

Honestly, there are times when I just don't want to go to work, but not because I don't want to work, but because of commute. It's just so tiring to travel the same route everyday and it's annoying that I can't wear certain clothes because I get cat called. i know I've said previously that I don't care whatever other people think of me, but sometimes I get really scared and so self conscious that I just don't wear clothes that I like anymore. Just the same boring jeans and rubber shoes. And also, no makeup. So I guess the issue isn't with my job?I mean, I kind of enjoy it, the repetitiveness of it, and knowing that's it's a no brainer and I do it well.

However, I'm still not passing my scorecards.. not as I used to anyway. So there might be an underlying problem which I have yet to discover.  This month I have made it a point to recover and bounce back, and make sure I get the bonuses again, as it would definitely help me financially. Also, it's a chance to prove to myself that I can still improve and become a better me. Not to mention that I'm going to be here for at least 7-10 years more so why not make the most of my time and aim to get promoted.

Personal:

Looking internally, I can feel that something is wrong. Something is imbalanced.  However, I can't pinpoint what it is exactly. In terms of health, my major concern is my Hypothyroidism (thanks Ma). My eyesight is terrible and i'd like to get Lasik in the future. I am also out of shape and just out of.. the zone. My zone. I have been very... demovitated these past few months and I hope I can bounce back because it's affecting every aspect of my life and it's barely controllable. I have been telling white lies and making everyone believe I'm doing perfectly fine when I'm not (hmm, sounds way too familiar), distancing myself from my friends and working alone (this too), and starting fights with my boyfriend. I'm still looking for answers, but my best bet is that I'm bored and I want something new, something that can occupy my free time and provide me the diversion that I need. An outlet of my inner self, dare I say it. When I was younger, I always had writing, composing music, painting and even computer games as a creative outlet. But now, nothing. Which is why.. maybe, just maybe, I feel so stuffed and irritable all the time. I hope blogging will help me in this aspect.

Lovelife:

Of course, how can I forget about this one? My lovelife is pretty stable right now. We're actually going to celebrate our 2nd anniversary in two weeks and I can't believe someone (aside from my family and core bestfriends) stuck with me for that long. I mean, kudos to you my love, I know I'm not easy to be with. I'm quite volatile and stubborn. Not to mention we've been away from each other for the most part. Yes, I'm in a long distance relationship. No relationship advice posts for now I don't even know how we've stayed together for this long. I'm most definitely in love yes, although sometimes I seriously question why I'm in a relationship with this guy. Just kidding! I know why I'm in love (for the most part that is) and it's because of his sincerity.

So. I guess that's it? I've covered all the major aspects of my life, and maybe tomorrow I'll blog about specific topics.

Have a great one!
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Well, I just kind of realized that I can write about anything that I want.
So we start, and right now I'd just like to write my thoughts and immortalize them here.
I've been making a list of things I need for school, and so far I have the following;
  • scratch paper for draft notes
  • envelopes for organization
  • 3 notebooks since I have 3 classes this semester
  • index cards
  • colored paper
  • gluestick
  • pens, pencils, erasers, etc
  • highlighters
  • legal pad
I also want a few more items, but I know for now that's my base needs, these are the things that I have to have for class. I also want to try a new notebook scheme, wherein on one side I have detailed notes and on the other have the outline and things I have to do. I think that would make my notebook more organized and that it will be easier to find things and easier for me study/review for quizzes and exams. We'll see.
For this semester I have Classical Literature, Philippine History and English I. I daresay there will be a lot of writing and reading with these things, and maybe I'll have a good array of blog ideas to work with. Maybe I'll share my thoughts about certain chapters here, or my opinions with a certain character too. I mean, why not? I'm pretty sure that will help me practice with writing and stuff. I also have my regular posts (meaning, my lifestyle posts, makeup etc). Having these other posts make me feel like I'm creating a well rounded blog and channel, that reflects who I am.
I also want to go back to writing stories, maybe start a novel. I have a few ideas in my head, but I need a bit of narrowing down ideas, so I guess I'll have to work on that as well. But all should be good, I should be able to work with these ideas I have, just need to get focused.
Hmm, what else? I can't think of anything else that's running through my head, I feel like I've written all those prominent ideas I have. For the rest, they need a bit more maturing before I'm ready to write them down and share it with the rest of the world.
So that ends this? Guess so.
Thanks for dropping by!
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