It's 1am right now at and I'm not sure when I'll finish this post, but I hope what I do write will be immortalized by the internet.
 |
| I am no longer fearless. |
For the past few days the most vivid emotion I have is fear. I am scared to sleep, scared to wake up, scared to go out, scared to face people. My anxiety levels are as high as it was nearly five years ago when.. that's another story tell, maybe in the future when I'm ready to share. But, yes. These anxiety levels are slowly but surely climbing up and it's threatening my whole curated system of me.
 |
| How long till I breakdown? |
I would have never thought that this would happen, with all the things I have that's grounding me.
 |
| My dance buddies |
 |
| My best friends for life! |
 |
| My partner in crime |
 |
| My pretty team mates |
 |
| My beloved family |
 |
| My favorite class photo |
 |
| My TIU fam |
I am lost.
In my pursuit of finding myself, I lost myself.
How oxymoronic right?
How the hell do you lose something you're looking for while looking for it? It's already gone in the first place!
And writing it down just confirms my innermost thoughts.
I already had me.
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
| ||
| Trying my hand at makeup artistry |
|
| BTS: Samahang Alas Doce 2015 |
 |
I loved to create. I loved to write, paint, compose songs, produce videos and challenge myself to make my ideas come to life. I liked sharing my thoughts with other people. I liked to argue and debate and counter ideas just for the hell of it.
Hmm. Why does this sound like a post I've already done?
I'm so sorry to diffuse the mood but I needed to take a break because I was falling asleep. Give me a moment to recover.
Um, yeah. It's 4am now and reading this unfinished post that I have, I feel some sort of sadness from it. Right now I no longer feel sad because I've had 3 cups of coffee, but reading these words I can feel just how lost I am. How much of this misdirection was being covered up by cups of coffee and energy drinks and bingeing and starving and sleeping.
Damn, I never meant this to be an emotional post but I guess that's how this will turn out.
Dear little lost me, come back to me.
I don't know how or when or where, but remember that I'll do all that I can to get you back, starting with reconnecting with one of my truest creative roots -- writing.
Hang in there.
Little Lost Me | July 2017
by
Janessa Pablo | Multihyphenate
on
July 20, 2017
It's 1am right now at and I'm not sure when I'll finish this post, but I hope what I do write will be immort...
