Lately I have been trying to get in my head and pull out whatever thought I have. Trying to go back to my roots, I guess. Yet…Well… Somehow, I can’t. I wish to write, I really do. I wish to throw all this darkness onto paper and forget about it even just for a short while. Tell my story. Explain my feelings and take a deep dive, as deep as I can. But for some reason, creativity eludes me. Sure, I get photos here and there, nice ones that I want to post and share with the world… Poems that I have written that resonated with how I felt... But all I can think about is how… horrific my mindset is during those times. It’s been more than a month since I last used social media for “social purposes”. I have missed a ton of events that I could’ve gone to. I won’t be able to understand inside jokes formed during moments that I wasn’t present. I have lost the momentum, and I have to start all over again. But is it worth it ? Was stepping away from everything worth it ? For the past couple of months I have simply floated, even though I felt like I was drowning the whole time. I still do. I still feel the salt water choking me and filling up my nostrils here and there. Funny, I run to the sea for peace and yet when I envision myself going away all I taste is salt and sand. There have been so many times where I wanted to post a photo and say “I was dying but nobody noticed.”, but people did notice. Charles did. Mich did. Fau did. Trey did. Lala did. Ellen did. Mimi did. Vince did. Mary did. Red did. My MI Girls did. My GGP friends did. I just didn’t engage or open up or let them in. Instead I broiled my mind deeper into these dark and dangerous thoughts and let myself fade away little by little. I let my fear of being misunderstood consume me. I wanted to fight for myself, I really did. But I just… can’t. Even getting out of bed felt like such a huge bother. I just wanted to play my games all day long. Escape to a made up place inside my head. Even breathing felt like such a huge deal. Everything felt like it weighed ten tons. Every move I did I needed help. I needed a couple of minutes of pep talk and reality check that the world is not going to end even though it felt like it is and it will. Every now and then though, I would get this burst of energy that made me feel like I could drop this bleak mindset and just do. I really wanted to get back to my roots, to recover. I want to paint. I want to write music. I want to take pictures and share them with the world. I want to genuinely laugh with my friends again. Meet strangers’ eyes instead of hiding behind my hoodie. But I never seemed to have the mental capacity to do so. Until this morning. Suddenly, I just woke up and felt so tired of just floating. Suddenly I felt like I had enough. Suddenly I had thoughts of the future and what could be. The grief is still there. The worry of not being good enough. The daunting feeling of failing again and again and again and never being able to live up to people’s expectations. So, here we go, I guess. Cheers to trying again and cheers to recovery. Recovery is a fcking bitch but at least I have hope again.

I am meant for more 

I am meant for more 

I am meant for more

These are the words that keep on repeating in my head.

I am meant for so much more than this

I am meant for so much more than this

I am meant for so much more than this

Right now I am having such a hard time with writing and typing out my feelings and I have so many thoughts that are distracting me but I know that I have to push and keep at it. I have to push through and actually write something because I need to exorcize these demons out. 

I need to keep writing

I need to keep creating 

I need to stay alive 

I have been on hiatus for days on end now and I know that I have so much pending things to do but I am not doing anything because I feel frozen. I am actually not sure why, but all I know is that I have to keep my head above water. I need to calm down and work and do what I have to do. 

I have to fight 

I have to breathe 

I have to be true to who I am 

The true me perseveres against all odds, no matter how much she wants to give up. The real me stands strong against all adversities.

I have weathered so many for so long, and I have stood the test of time.

So why do I feel like the world is ending? Or is the world ending as I know it? I feel so uneasy and unsure of everything that I know.

I feel the breeze from the edge of the cliff

The depth is calling me and singing my name

This time though, I know that I am not scared of finality of falling

I am scared of starting from the bottom up again.

I stopped planning my life when I was 16, because I didn't want to reach my 18th. 

But I did, and so I planned my life till I turned 25. 

Reached some, achieved some, surprised myself a lot by the unexpected twists and turns. 

A new year has now begun and once again I am stuck at a crossroad. In disbelief, again. I thought life ended at 16 and planning ended at 25, but... 

Here I am again, filling up a planner that I just bought, continuing my story that should've ended 8 years ago. Here it is again, my ardent and carnal desire to bleed and immortalize my heart, my dreams, my ultimatums, and my soul onto paper. Here I go again.

She who dares, wins.

It has been quite some time since being back here, and I still have mixed feelings about it all. 

Ever wondered how to relive your life? 

A couple days ago, I had the big idea to organize my blog and read through old post drafts that I may have had, which led me to discover so many jumbled thoughts! It was like reading a stranger’s diary yet having a feeling that you know that stranger from somewhere!

Weird, huh? 

As I tried to make sense of the mess that I got myself into, I realized that the most, if not all of these “jumbled thoughts” most likely had a photo album counterpart! How I realized that, you may ask? 

Well, I am a very well photographed baby. And preteen. And teen. And basically my whole life, I guess. I’d say from Grade 4 (Elementary) to now, most of my photos are digital (and are somewhere on the internet!). The rest are in physical photo albums at home!

In case you haven’t figured it out yet, yes, I am going to try to (re)document my life and see what I remember from these posts and and stuff. 

The earliest photos (online, at least) that I could find were from 2007 and some baby photos too. So I guess we’ll start from there. 

I’ll be naming this collection as The Retrospect Series, or TRS in short. 

This might be a very bad idea, opening my whole life on the internet, or it could be a future reference point for any students who might need to do a research paper about me. A girl could dream, LOL!

I’ll also try and list the posts here, but don’t hold me to that! I think I’d most likely just mix it through my other blog posts (because the post dates can be changed muahaha, thanks Blogger!). I’ll just add a disclaimer somewhere that it was actually blogged in 2022 and not whatever year that is. 

Looking back in photos also had a very nice effect on me – 

My mental state got a lot better. Previously, looking at old photos made me feel so delayed and stuck, but overtime it started making me feel proud. 

Because I did that. 

I tried those. 

I made these. 

From a feeling of dread came a feeling of pride. 

Funny how that works. 

I never thought I’d feel like this again. 

Alone in a crowded room. 

I thought I’m now okay with doing everything on my own, but apparently not. 

It still hurts. 

It stings a little every time I get looked over, not really ignored but not really considered. I feel a little pinch here and there when I’m left at my seat all alone because I’m not part of the group lunch. It eats me away, having people around but not people to talk to. 

Because I used to be the girl who can talk to anyone by sheer will. My yearbook quote even says that I can make friends wherever I go, no matter the age. Because I used to be able to “force” myself into the group and connect with people regardless of who they were, with no worries about the aftermath. 

Now I feel like that girl is vacationing away somewhere because reaching out to people now scares the shit out of me. 

It’s so frustrating to want attention but also fear it at the same time. One of my worst fears right now is being in the spotlight and having everyone judge me. I know not everyone does, but that is how it feels. As if I have all eyes on me and that everyone is talking about me, even though I know they have their own worries. 

I used to bask in that feeling, but now I shrink away from it because I am scared that they are going to see all the flaws I see. 

I crave the year 2019 when I have friends at work and friends at home, and friends outside. 

I crave the stress of 2018 when I had friends at school and the office and everywhere I went

I crave the beauty of 2017 when I felt the prettiest and had friends who asked about my day 

I crave the joys of 2016 when I knew there were people who cared about me 

I want connections, friendships… human interaction that doesn’t stop with small talk. 

I remember crying one time on my way home because I felt like I finally had friends and people to hang out with… Tears of joy fell from my eyes until the fear kicked in. I feared that they were only pretending to like me, to be interested in me. I thought they were only there with me because they had to – even though they showed no sign of it. 

So I haven’t reached out to them at all, despite penciling in plans to watch movies. 

Truth be told, I don’t know how to hold relationships at all. I don’t know what needs to be done to keep a person around me.  I have long accepted that. 

What I can’t accept is that I have lost the ability to create relationships too, and that is sadder than 

This pandemic fucked me up in more ways than one, and I am having such a hard time shedding whatever this phase is. The world now feels so huge but it also feels like it’s choking me to death. 

Is it because I feel like a loser, with extra weight, thick glasses, and bad skin? 

So do I lose weight? Get Lasik? Slough of the texture with hundred-dollar facials? 

If I do these things, would people finally like me and appreciate me? Or am I really just a bad seed through and through? I honestly don’t know anymore. 

All I know is, that this part of my life hurts. It hurts real bad. 

The Rock Bottom called September

TW: Mental Health Issues, Suicide, and Self Harm

I don’t remember when it started (or maybe I do, I just don’t want to admit it)... but lately everything has been monotone. Things that I loved doing and things that made me happy didn’t have the same effect as before. I felt like I was living in perpetual rain – no sunrise, no sunset, no midnight. 

I felt stuck in a time loop of waking up, eating, and going to sleep. Feeling nothing, and yet everything at the same time. 

I became so quiet that I couldn’t even hear my own voice or my own mind. All I could hear was the darkness so close to engulfing me. At times it was as dark as night, at times it was an enticing shade of gray. 

Until such moments that it called for blood and tears, because I couldn’t give what it wanted – financial stability, emotional support, easy life. 

Until such moments it lashed out and made me do things I promised myself I never would again – starving, scratching, bruising myself until it felt enough. 

I swore to my seventeen-year-old self that I wouldn’t try that again, because waking up again was a sign and that I should fight better, but… everything is easier said and done. 

So, after years and years of fighting and keeping the darkness in check, at bay, just on the edge… 

I let it take over. 

I forgot which day it was, if it was morning or night, if I had eaten or not.. 

I wanted to leave a couple of times but I didn’t want to burden Nevaeh with discovering my body, or having someone else discover my state. The shame of being judged and of what other people might think of me became one of those things that prevented me from leaving. 

How sad and ironic. 

I guess the thing that disgusts me the most about this time in my life is my lack of effort to get out, and instead I fed the darkness. I lurked in gossip forums and watched crime documentaries and read tabloids. I listened to dark music and kept all the darkness inside me, rather than letting it all out or doing something else. 

I allowed the darkness to fester inside me which I have never done before. It destroyed me from the inside out. It made me keep away from those that I love the most and made me think the worst of those who just sought to care for me. 

Then, just one day seemingly out of nowhere, I decided to get my dose checked. It was corrected and like magic, the darkness faded away and I could see clearer. 

I started taking showers again, used my favorite scrubs and soaps and skincare. I even started styling my hair again, even though my arms hurt so much. 

The heart breaking part is that I still couldn’t recognize myself in the mirror. 

It’s like being in a car wreck and being grateful that I got out alive but cursing at the body cast desperately trying to hold my guts in.

All I can see, even up to now is a miserable overweight girl with stretch marks and fine lines and an everlasting frown. I could see each and every flaw oh so clearly and nothing else matters except those flaws and insecurities. 

But at least I’m awake, I guess? 

That’s what matters, right? 

Finally rousing from the dark slumber and realizing that it’s not a dark, fluffy bed, but a coffin? 

I hit rock bottom in September and didn’t bother building a ladder till now. 

I just hope it’s strong enough to support me and my baggage that I can’t seem to let go of. 

Since I posted about September, might as well post an October update, yeah? 

TBH, there is really nothing new, but here we go. 

Got my dose updated so I feel so much better now – thank goodness, because I really couldn’t keep feeding the dark, I can’t. I don’t want to lose whatever smallish part of me is still left. 

I still don’t recognize who’s staring back in the mirror, so I don’t really look into mirrors that often. I started posting retroactively, I don’t know why but I felt like piecing together my life before all of this. I just tagged those posts as Retroactive so as not to confuse myself in the future. Basically, it’s just me trying to remember the past and what happened during those times. Good thing I was such a clicker happy teenager! I have so many photos and tidbits. 

I wish to return to that stage. I wish to be able to take pictures again, every step I make. Make new memories. Meet new people. IDK how that’s going to happen though. Someday, somehow. 

I also decided to focus on blogging more. I don’t think I have the energy to make videos or IG posts right now. Just write, write, write. Just emptying out my brain and trying to dissect my thoughts the old school way. 

Aside from going back to an old hobby (blogging), I also signed up for a couple of classes that truly interested me – via Coursera. I think doing this would help me refocus my energy on something else, instead of just looking for the next place to scratch. 

I also decluttered a lot of my things, and I was surprised that some of my things are actually so old! I disposed of the things I decluttered and well.. 

I think the reason why I hold on to so many things is because deep inside, I am scared of letting go or being left behind. Sometimes I feel like not wanting to let go of anything because doing so would mean that I don’t have anything anymore. 

I have so many plans but they just stay as that – plans. 

I miss the days that things were not so accessible to me – that I was scared of online shopping. Yes, online shopping made my life easier because I no longer had to go out.. But also my spending increased because i could just order things online. 

Does that even make sense? I don’t even know if my whole post is cohesive at this point but I also don’t want to police it too much. 

Real time update though, and segue – I just colored my hair. I found an old pack of violet EPSA in my stocks and so I whipped it up and colored my blondie parts. Nevaeh helped me this time, and gosh, how was I able to do this on my own before lol! So much mess! 

Sometimes it really amazes me how I was able to do so much yet so little when I lived alone. Or when I had the whole place to myself. IDK. I am so confused. 

Going back to my original topic — 

Life updates in tidbits: 

My dose is correct now 

I’m trying to blog more 

I enrolled in a couple online courses

Disposed of things that no longer sparks joy

And I colored my hair 

Other than that, I am feeling much better than last month and I really hope it continues to get better. I really don’t want to be in that stage anymore. 

I don’t want to fight my way out of a damned hole again. 

Yes, it's now August. August 2021. 

And we're back in ECQ! Surprise, surprise. 

I started off this year being so pumped and so excited to be beginning a new year and well, quarter-life crisis hits. 

To be completely honest, I think my "life crises" started when I was 21 and just never ended. In retrospect, it's most likely due to dear moi having to work and support myself while the rest of my peers just go through the normal walk of life (ie, Elementary, High School, College, Work/Career). Then there's me, working without a college degree and just existing I guess. I did have a social life and I did work towards a college degree soon enough but it seemed like it wasn't enough for my family and I felt like a constant failure, despite doing what needs to be done. 

Despite doing what I can and doing what's feasible. 

It just never seemed to be enough. 

So there's that. 

Fast forward a couple of years (2020) and I have lost 2 jobs, lost my scholarship, lost my hair, and in 2019, started with a new company. My dream workplace. I finally got in!

I was also enjoying a beautiful creative outlet of content creation. I was planning to go back to school. 

Then COVID happened. 

And we all got fcked. 

Not gonna lie, a lot of great things opened up for me in 2020. I became a Shopee live streamer, etc etc 

Oh and I also suffered a mental breakdown, but that's another story for another day haha 

I guess what I'm trying to say is... 

It's been a tough couple of years, and I don't see the end anytime soon. 

I kept saying that I'll renew myself once this is all over and the world's alright again but is it really going to be alright? 

I don't know. 

I sure as hell don't want to wait around for it and just shrivel up. 

I wanna use the rest of the year to try my best to actually improve myself and do better. Make myself better. 

I don't know how to do it, but I'm going to try. 

I owe my future self that much.