(I've had this draft open since November 2022, it's January 2023 now and I am regretting not finishing it up sooner ahaha)

To be quite honest though, my mind is so blank that I don't even remember what I was supposed to write lol but here goes nothing I guess. 

At the start of year, I was writing down my resolutions and wishes for the rest of the year. I was praying and crying for friends and connections that will help me stay. 

Around my birthday, I reconnected with my family that I would've never ever thought possible. Even met more people who came to accept me as I am. Who made me feel like I was worthy of being chosen. That I actually belonged somewhere. I felt like I was able to mend myself piece by piece.

I also met colleagues who went out of their way to include me, even though I was the one isolating myself. Colleagues who pushed me to do good and be more. People who chose to listen and understand, and work with me for the better. For once in my life I was able to excel and feel like I can step up again. 

It's the last month of the year now, and instead of crying and praying for friends, I am now crying and thanking the universe because I am surrounded by people who genuinely support me. People who celebrate my wins with me. People who care. 

So, thank you. Thank you for convincing me to stay.

Why am I so obsessed with the dear klairs Midnight Blue Youth Activating Drop Serum?

Time for a Sunscreen Party 2.0! 

Missha All-Around safe Block Soft Finish Sun Milk SPF50+/PA+++ 70ml - 1,251 PHP 

Jumiso Waterfull Hyaluronic Sunscreen 50ml - 1,146 PHP 

TOCOBO Bio Watery Sun Cream SPF50+ PA++++ - 1,251 PHP 

Mary & May CICA Soothing Sun Cream SPF50+ PA++++ 50ml - 1,485 PHP

I have already reviewed the Jumiso Waterfull Hyaluronic Sunscreen so I will be linking that should you be interested in an in depth review of these sunscreens. 

Let’s have a sunscreen party! 

(to be edited, text from website)

Bring out the effortlessly beautiful SEOULista in you! Get a naturally glowing skin that's touchably-soft with the SEOUL WHITE KOREA GLOW JELLY K-BRIGHT & EVEN SOOTHING GEL. This brightening and moisturizing soothing gel comes in a non-sticky sweet pink jelly that’s perfect for all skin types.

It’s infused with white strawberry and arbutin bearberry that brightens and moisturizes skin! Cica extract & niacinamide are also in this breakthrough formula to help rejuvenate, smoothen skin, and minimizes pores.  

The GLOW JELLY is your new skincare essential! Time to soothe, rejuvenate stressed skin, and even out your skin tone for a fresh, healthy k-bright glow!

Key Benefits:

Bright and Glowing Skin: Infused with white strawberry and arbutin bearberry that brightens skin and minimizes visibility of dark spots and acne marks for a fresh, healthy k-bright glow

Moisturizing: It keeps skin hydrated, nourished and supple, with an unmistakable Korean glow!

Skin Rejuvination: breakthrough formula to help rejuvenate and soothe stressed skin, smoothen skin, and minimizes pores.  

How to Use: Apply a liberal amount to dry and sensitive skin. For best results use daily on face, body and hair.

Key Ingredients:

Arbutin Bearberry: Dubbed as the current darling of skin lightening in Korea and “the new kojic acid,” the bearberry is a natural form of alpha arbutin, a powerful but gentle skin brightener.

White Strawberry: A rare and special fruit, the white strawberry is known for its magical ability to stay white—even under the sun! Infused into skin care, it’s as if it has an SPF-like effect to protect the complexion, and also works as a natural exfoliant for a double whitening effect.

Cica Extract: This plant is known as tiger grass of Asia and is widely known for use in skin and wound regeneration.

Niacinamide: A much needed essential nutrient for the sensitive skin. It helps build proteins in the skin and lock in moisture for protection from free radicals and prevent long-terms skin damage

It has been quite some time since being back here, and I still have mixed feelings about it all. 

Ever wondered how to relive your life? 

A couple days ago, I had the big idea to organize my blog and read through old post drafts that I may have had, which led me to discover so many jumbled thoughts! It was like reading a stranger’s diary yet having a feeling that you know that stranger from somewhere!

Weird, huh? 

As I tried to make sense of the mess that I got myself into, I realized that the most, if not all of these “jumbled thoughts” most likely had a photo album counterpart! How I realized that, you may ask? 

Well, I am a very well photographed baby. And preteen. And teen. And basically my whole life, I guess. I’d say from Grade 4 (Elementary) to now, most of my photos are digital (and are somewhere on the internet!). The rest are in physical photo albums at home!

In case you haven’t figured it out yet, yes, I am going to try to (re)document my life and see what I remember from these posts and and stuff. 

The earliest photos (online, at least) that I could find were from 2007 and some baby photos too. So I guess we’ll start from there. 

I’ll be naming this collection as The Retrospect Series, or TRS in short. 

This might be a very bad idea, opening my whole life on the internet, or it could be a future reference point for any students who might need to do a research paper about me. A girl could dream, LOL!

I’ll also try and list the posts here, but don’t hold me to that! I think I’d most likely just mix it through my other blog posts (because the post dates can be changed muahaha, thanks Blogger!). I’ll just add a disclaimer somewhere that it was actually blogged in 2022 and not whatever year that is. 

Looking back in photos also had a very nice effect on me – 

My mental state got a lot better. Previously, looking at old photos made me feel so delayed and stuck, but overtime it started making me feel proud. 

Because I did that. 

I tried those. 

I made these. 

From a feeling of dread came a feeling of pride. 

Funny how that works. 

Thank you so much for sending over your beautiful products, LET ME SKIN team, I am so excited to try everything out! 

I was not able to post the items that I received individually so here are all the items that I have received from February to May. Indvidual review posts will be uploaded in the following days, so stay tuned! 

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LET ME SKIN Honey Puree Nourishing Clay Mask 70g

I never thought I’d feel like this again. 

Alone in a crowded room. 

I thought I’m now okay with doing everything on my own, but apparently not. 

It still hurts. 

It stings a little every time I get looked over, not really ignored but not really considered. I feel a little pinch here and there when I’m left at my seat all alone because I’m not part of the group lunch. It eats me away, having people around but not people to talk to. 

Because I used to be the girl who can talk to anyone by sheer will. My yearbook quote even says that I can make friends wherever I go, no matter the age. Because I used to be able to “force” myself into the group and connect with people regardless of who they were, with no worries about the aftermath. 

Now I feel like that girl is vacationing away somewhere because reaching out to people now scares the shit out of me. 

It’s so frustrating to want attention but also fear it at the same time. One of my worst fears right now is being in the spotlight and having everyone judge me. I know not everyone does, but that is how it feels. As if I have all eyes on me and that everyone is talking about me, even though I know they have their own worries. 

I used to bask in that feeling, but now I shrink away from it because I am scared that they are going to see all the flaws I see. 

I crave the year 2019 when I have friends at work and friends at home, and friends outside. 

I crave the stress of 2018 when I had friends at school and the office and everywhere I went

I crave the beauty of 2017 when I felt the prettiest and had friends who asked about my day 

I crave the joys of 2016 when I knew there were people who cared about me 

I want connections, friendships… human interaction that doesn’t stop with small talk. 

I remember crying one time on my way home because I felt like I finally had friends and people to hang out with… Tears of joy fell from my eyes until the fear kicked in. I feared that they were only pretending to like me, to be interested in me. I thought they were only there with me because they had to – even though they showed no sign of it. 

So I haven’t reached out to them at all, despite penciling in plans to watch movies. 

Truth be told, I don’t know how to hold relationships at all. I don’t know what needs to be done to keep a person around me.  I have long accepted that. 

What I can’t accept is that I have lost the ability to create relationships too, and that is sadder than 

This pandemic fucked me up in more ways than one, and I am having such a hard time shedding whatever this phase is. The world now feels so huge but it also feels like it’s choking me to death. 

Is it because I feel like a loser, with extra weight, thick glasses, and bad skin? 

So do I lose weight? Get Lasik? Slough of the texture with hundred-dollar facials? 

If I do these things, would people finally like me and appreciate me? Or am I really just a bad seed through and through? I honestly don’t know anymore. 

All I know is, that this part of my life hurts. It hurts real bad. 

Since I posted about September, might as well post an October update, yeah? 

TBH, there is really nothing new, but here we go. 

Got my dose updated so I feel so much better now – thank goodness, because I really couldn’t keep feeding the dark, I can’t. I don’t want to lose whatever smallish part of me is still left. 

I still don’t recognize who’s staring back in the mirror, so I don’t really look into mirrors that often. I started posting retroactively, I don’t know why but I felt like piecing together my life before all of this. I just tagged those posts as Retroactive so as not to confuse myself in the future. Basically, it’s just me trying to remember the past and what happened during those times. Good thing I was such a clicker happy teenager! I have so many photos and tidbits. 

I wish to return to that stage. I wish to be able to take pictures again, every step I make. Make new memories. Meet new people. IDK how that’s going to happen though. Someday, somehow. 

I also decided to focus on blogging more. I don’t think I have the energy to make videos or IG posts right now. Just write, write, write. Just emptying out my brain and trying to dissect my thoughts the old school way. 

Aside from going back to an old hobby (blogging), I also signed up for a couple of classes that truly interested me – via Coursera. I think doing this would help me refocus my energy on something else, instead of just looking for the next place to scratch. 

I also decluttered a lot of my things, and I was surprised that some of my things are actually so old! I disposed of the things I decluttered and well.. 

I think the reason why I hold on to so many things is because deep inside, I am scared of letting go or being left behind. Sometimes I feel like not wanting to let go of anything because doing so would mean that I don’t have anything anymore. 

I have so many plans but they just stay as that – plans. 

I miss the days that things were not so accessible to me – that I was scared of online shopping. Yes, online shopping made my life easier because I no longer had to go out.. But also my spending increased because i could just order things online. 

Does that even make sense? I don’t even know if my whole post is cohesive at this point but I also don’t want to police it too much. 

Real time update though, and segue – I just colored my hair. I found an old pack of violet EPSA in my stocks and so I whipped it up and colored my blondie parts. Nevaeh helped me this time, and gosh, how was I able to do this on my own before lol! So much mess! 

Sometimes it really amazes me how I was able to do so much yet so little when I lived alone. Or when I had the whole place to myself. IDK. I am so confused. 

Going back to my original topic — 

Life updates in tidbits: 

My dose is correct now 

I’m trying to blog more 

I enrolled in a couple online courses

Disposed of things that no longer sparks joy

And I colored my hair 

Other than that, I am feeling much better than last month and I really hope it continues to get better. I really don’t want to be in that stage anymore. 

I don’t want to fight my way out of a damned hole again.