2AM Ramblings | Dear Diary

 I think my brain is fcking fried, and I do not know how to get out of this

Like, seriously, I don’t know what to do 

Or at least that’s what I wanna think 

Because the thing is, I already know what to do, I just can’t find the motivation to do it. Not even the “new month new start” worked. I am stuck. 

So, I am blogging while listening to Swan Lake because why not ? Maybe it will awaken something in me? IDK. Seems to be kinda working ? 

Or probably not. I am so unsure. 

It’s all working out in the best way; I am ready and open to receive. 

I feel like I’ve been in such low vibration that I can’t get out of it. 

I feel like I have been jinxed. 

I want to believe that I’ve simply been jinxed and it’s not my fault but of course I still have logic. 

But really, all I want to believe right now is that this is simply a jinx and all that I need to do is just throw it away and “return it to sender” and be done with it. 

I want to be excited about like again and have something to look forward to. 

How could I? I can’t even bother waking up an extra 30 minutes to actually get ready for the day. 

How could I? I get so jealous that other people have “work visits” and I don’t. 

How could I? I feel so insecure everytime compliments are not directed towards me. 

How could I? My world feels so small and tight, like a noose closing around my neck. 

But I want to get better. 

I can feel those tendrils of hope and fighting spirit sneaking out of my self proclaimed cage. 

Just right beneath the surface, but somehow I can’t reach them. 

I don’t know how to reach them. 

But I’ll keep on trying.