October 2021 Life Updates | Dear Diary 2022

Since I posted about September, might as well post an October update, yeah? 

TBH, there is really nothing new, but here we go. 

Got my dose updated so I feel so much better now – thank goodness, because I really couldn’t keep feeding the dark, I can’t. I don’t want to lose whatever smallish part of me is still left. 

I still don’t recognize who’s staring back in the mirror, so I don’t really look into mirrors that often. I started posting retroactively, I don’t know why but I felt like piecing together my life before all of this. I just tagged those posts as Retroactive so as not to confuse myself in the future. Basically, it’s just me trying to remember the past and what happened during those times. Good thing I was such a clicker happy teenager! I have so many photos and tidbits. 

I wish to return to that stage. I wish to be able to take pictures again, every step I make. Make new memories. Meet new people. IDK how that’s going to happen though. Someday, somehow. 

I also decided to focus on blogging more. I don’t think I have the energy to make videos or IG posts right now. Just write, write, write. Just emptying out my brain and trying to dissect my thoughts the old school way. 

Aside from going back to an old hobby (blogging), I also signed up for a couple of classes that truly interested me – via Coursera. I think doing this would help me refocus my energy on something else, instead of just looking for the next place to scratch. 

I also decluttered a lot of my things, and I was surprised that some of my things are actually so old! I disposed of the things I decluttered and well.. 

I think the reason why I hold on to so many things is because deep inside, I am scared of letting go or being left behind. Sometimes I feel like not wanting to let go of anything because doing so would mean that I don’t have anything anymore. 

I have so many plans but they just stay as that – plans. 

I miss the days that things were not so accessible to me – that I was scared of online shopping. Yes, online shopping made my life easier because I no longer had to go out.. But also my spending increased because i could just order things online. 

Does that even make sense? I don’t even know if my whole post is cohesive at this point but I also don’t want to police it too much. 

Real time update though, and segue – I just colored my hair. I found an old pack of violet EPSA in my stocks and so I whipped it up and colored my blondie parts. Nevaeh helped me this time, and gosh, how was I able to do this on my own before lol! So much mess! 

Sometimes it really amazes me how I was able to do so much yet so little when I lived alone. Or when I had the whole place to myself. IDK. I am so confused. 

Going back to my original topic — 

Life updates in tidbits: 

My dose is correct now 

I’m trying to blog more 

I enrolled in a couple online courses

Disposed of things that no longer sparks joy

And I colored my hair 

Other than that, I am feeling much better than last month and I really hope it continues to get better. I really don’t want to be in that stage anymore. 

I don’t want to fight my way out of a damned hole again.